Tucker’s Fractured Fairy Tales

Another day, another liar.

There was another treasure trove of documents released by Dominion from their defamation case against Fox. It turns out that Tucker Carlson occasionally tells the truth in private. He texted something that I agree with 100%:

“I hate him passionately. … What he’s good at is destroying things. He’s the undisputed world champion of that. He could easily destroy us if we play it wrong.”

In public, the Mothertucker continues to lie. He’s been rolling out revisionist history on his show this week. The Dipshit Insurrection was just a walk in the park according to Carlson’s cherry-picked CCTV video, which is usually used to help law enforcement, not criminals. That’s what the insurrectionists are: criminals, not tourists.

Tucker’s Fractured Fairy Tales are the fruit of his corrupt bargain with KMac. What did the Speaker* ask for in exchange? Here’s my hunch: No reminders that KMac was initially horrified by 1/6 and his gut reaction was to blame Trump. Does Tucker have magical powers? Can he wave his wand and make the truth disappear? KMac seems to think so.

The most gruesome of Tucker’s Fractured Fairy Tales is his account of what happened to Brian Sicknick. Here’s how Capitol police chief Thomas Manger reacted:

“The program conveniently cherry-picked from the calmer moments of our 41,000 hours of video,” Manger wrote. “The commentary fails to provide context about the chaos and violence that happened before or during these less tense moments.”


He continued: “Finally, the most disturbing accusation from last night was that our late friend and colleague Brian Sicknick’s death had nothing to do with his heroic actions on January 6. The Department maintains, as anyone with common sense would, that had Officer Sicknick not fought valiantly for hours on the day he was violently assaulted, Officer Sicknick would not have died the next day.”

Tucker’s Fractured Fairy Tales should inspire sarcasm, mockery, and ridicule as well as denunciation. I agree with Josh Marshall:

I understand that people are outraged by the Tucker Carlson/Kevin McCarthy video stunt. It’s natural and understandable to react negatively and angrily to liars and traitors. But this is not at all the best or most effective response. The first response is simply mockery. That’s the most logical response and also the most effective. Watch these videos. They’re moments when the insurrectionists weren’t breaking down doors or hitting Capitol Police over the head with flag poles. This is like showing a Zapruder film containing just the part where JFK is happily waving to the crowd in Dealey Plaza. He’s having a great time. Why does Oswald get such a bad rap? Similarly, it’s been shown that probably 99% of the time Osama bin Laden wasn’t blowing up anything. And yet, look at what’s gotten all the focus.


This is more Saturday Night Live skit than outrage.

And a bad SNL skit at that.

As a lapsed lawyer, I’m shocked that Fox didn’t settle this case. Federal discovery rules are legendarily liberal, which often leads to massive document dumps by litigants hoping the bury the other side in paper. Presumably, that’s what Fox’s attorneys thought would happen in the Dominion case. Instead, Fox has been confirmed as a nest of fantasists, liars, and cowards.

I’m also gobsmacked that Fox’s lawyers haven’t stopped the Mothertucker from continuing to lie about something relevant to the defamation case. Doubling down on mendacity may be the GOP way but it leads to self-inflicted wounds. Let’s quote another Republican liar:

Tucker’s version of Watergate’s end:

Tricky was often mocked for being the only native Californian to wear shoes while on the beach. Said ridicule led him to move to New Jersey where he steadfastly avoided the Jersey Shore and the cast of RHONJ.

I made that last bit up in tribute to the master liar, Tucker Carlson. Master Liar? Was that a Wagner opera? Tucker’s mendacity is contagious.

Tucker’s Fractured Fairy Tales are intended to divide the country but they’re bringing many of us together. I rarely agree with the Turtle, but he poked his head out of his shell to say this:

A reminder that McConnell could have ended his party’s death dance with the Kaiser of Chaos by voting to convict and urging his colleagues to do likewise at the second impeachment trial. Schmuck.

Magical thinking is in vogue on the American right. But Tucker’s attempt to rewrite history has blown up in his face. Even other phonies are blasting him:

You’re in trouble Tucker: if you’ve lost Nealy, you’ve lost a fellow fabulist. That’s what happens when you present Fractured Fairy Tales instead of fact-based opinions. Of course, Public Tucker wouldn’t know a fact if it bit him in the ass. But Private Tucker said this about former President* Pennwyise:

We’re all pretending we’ve got a lot to show for it, because admitting what a disaster it’s been is too tough to digest But come on. There really isn’t an upside to Trump.”

He should have waved his magic wand and made his texts disappear.

That concludes this edition of Tucker’s Fractured Fairy Tales.

The last word consists of some lesser-known songs with fairy tale in the title:

A Pointer Sisters country song? Who knew?

The last, last word is dedicated to John Nealy Kennedy for his rare moment of candor:

3 thoughts on “Tucker’s Fractured Fairy Tales

  1. Hot damn Fats Waller.

    One thing that the pic of Nixon walking on the beach reminded me of…I forget which aide of his said this, but he said that one day he was with Nixon and was watching him stiffly walk on the beach in shoes, dress pants, and a sports jacket, and he thought “that man looks like he is a prisoner of his own clothing.”

  2. I notice that the Minority Leader very carefully couched his criticism of Carlson: “It was a mistake in my view for Fox to depict this in a way that’s completely at variance with what our chief law enforcement official at the Capitol thinks.” He says Fox (not Carlson) made a mistake (didn’t tell a pack of lies) in McConnell’s view (your mileage may vary) by being “at variance” (reasonable people can disagree) with the unnamed “chief law enforcement official’s” thoughts on what happened that day (a good faith difference of opinion, nobody can say for sure what really happened).

    Two months from now, if someone says tries to drive a wedge between Fox and the GOP by saying that McConnell came down on Carlson, McConnell can easily deny it.

Leave a Reply