I resisted the temptation to call this post Bobby Junior: Ich Bin Ein Whaler. I didn’t want to go to the well again and find it empty. My last Ich Bin post was picked up by the estimable Driftglass at Crooks & Liars, so I felt the need for a new title.
The featured image is Gregory Peck as Captain Ahab in John Huston’s film adaptation of Moby Dick. I’ve never liked the Melville doorstop, and the movie left me cold the only time I saw it. Since John Huston is my birthday twin, I may have to give it another shot.
It’s time to kick Bobby Junior around with another weirdo tale. In this instance one could say, Kennedy kids say the darndest things:
“Thanks to a recently unearthed Town & Country profile of Kennedy’s eldest daughter, Kick Kennedy, that was published in 2012, we now know this:
Kick’s taste for the extreme was fed by her dad’s eccentric environmentalism. Exhibit A: When she was six, word got out that a dead whale had washed up on Squaw Island in Hyannis Port. Bobby—who likes to study animal skulls and skeletons—ran down to the beach with a chain saw, cut off the whale’s head, and then bungee-corded it to the roof of the family minivan for the five-hour haul back to Mount Kisco, New York. “Every time we accelerated on the highway, whale juice would pour into the windows of the car, and it was the rankest thing on the planet,” Kick recalls. “We all had plastic bags over our heads with mouth holes cut out, and people on the highway were giving us the finger, but that was just normal day-to-day stuff for us.“
Bobby Junior with a chainsaw makes the J Donut Vance couch legend look mild. What is it with this creep and dead animals? He clearly has a stronger stomach than I do. The mere phrase whale juice makes me wanna hurl like a drunk frat boy on Bourbon Street.
Repeat after me: Whale juice is gross.
I must confess to getting a Kick out of Kathleen Kennedy’s recycling her aunt’s nickname. Auntie died in a plane crash in 1948. It was the second of many tragedies to befall Joe and Rose Kennedy’s immediate family.
Let’s lighten things up with some Louis and Oscar:
We know that Bobby Junior inherited the Kennedy men’s penchant for promiscuity and cheating. He’s weird and horny. What’s next? Bestiality? Necrophilia? Or some sick combination of the two? Oy, just oy.
What does the Insult Comedian think of his new bestie’s latest stupid animal trick? He’s afraid of sharks, not whales. But who among us isn’t afraid of whale juice? Gag.
Instead of stealing from JFK’s Ich Bin Ein Berliner speech, I stole the post title from a cheesy 1976 movie starring William Shatner:
It’s no Moby Dick but it has Shatner after he was Captain Kirk but before he was TJ Hooker or Denny Crane:
I wouldn’t think of it, Denny. I will, however, call Bobby Junior a weirdo who has gone from bear-leaving to Trump supporting to whale beheading.
Repeat after me: Bobby Junior is a weirdo.
The last world goes to Dave Dobbyn:
As to reading Melville: “I prefer not to.” Moby Dick was the only required reading I never finished for my BA in English Lit. Page 28 was as far as I ever got.
Kudos for including both Denny Crane AND Dave Dobbyn! If a compilation disc of Denny’s and Alan’s balcony closers were offered, I’d buy it in a heartbeat; and Twist remains high on my list of favorite albums, still occupying space on my travel iPod.