How To Please Your May-Unn

I really need to make a category on this site for posts along the lines of “What the fucking fuck?”.

You know, I’ve been married six years now to the love of my life, and I just never realized what our relationship was missing all this time. Excerpts:

I don’t care what he says…he wants your hair long. Quit chopping it off into a cut you see in a magazine on Hallie [sic] Berry. She would look better with long hair too. “Cute” is not a compliment…if he says your hair is “cute” it means he can’t think of anything better to say and is trying to be polite so as to not have his favorite warm, slippery hiding spot taken away. Even in the 20’s when short hairstyles were the rage, Southern Belles still kept their hair long…why? Because they knew their men preferred it that way. It’s soft and when your man snuggles his face into your neck, if you have long hair, it envelopes him with its sweet smell and soft, comforting texture. Plus, nothing feels sexier, as a woman, than to have your long, lustrous locks cascading over your bare shoulders and back. **Plus, it’s great for wrapping around their fists during rough sex.**

If you can’t cook…no worry. If you are good enough in the bedroom, your performance in the kitchen is inconsequential. Just leave him lightheaded and deliriously worn out. He could eat roadkill after that. But make sure you help him work up an appetite first. And should he ever get that “I’d rather be eating the sole of my shoe soaked in dog urine” look on his face at the dinner table, just excuse yourself and slide under the table to um…make sure his napkin is placed appropriately across his lap. And if you know what you’re doing, he’ll remember that disgusting food you cooked as the best dinner he’s ever had.

Men don’t like to be nagged. But sometimes you just can’t get them off their asses to do something that needs to be done. So, if you’ve asked him to do something twice and he still hasn’t, ask him one more time if he’s done it. If he says no or starts to make an excuse, nod, turn and exit the room and go and do whatever it is. If that means you have to leave dinner uncooked to go cut the grass…leave dinner uncooked. And after he sees you cutting the grass, he’ll come and try to take over. Don’t let him. Tell him if he wants to help, he can go finish dinner. But don’t hand over the lawnmower. It’s too late for him to redeem himself there. **Then should you ‘hurt’ yourself while performing said duty, imagine how guilty he would feel! I bet he wouldn’t wait until the third time you asked next time. Of course I’m not saying that you should intentionally hurt yourself, but screaming never accomplishes anything…crocodile tears, giant eyes, and silence does however.**

These are just some choice portions. You really should go read the whole thing. Huge portions of the wingersphere (tm Ntodd) just defy satire.