If Tena and I Blogged Ali Vs. Foreman: The Debates, Vol. 1

I’m in plain text, Tena’s bold. I’m drunk, she’s stoned. Where the fuck are my chicken wings?

Pre-debate on MSNBC. Sharpton clarifies Kerry’s position: I was wrong to trust you with that power, Mr. Bush. Yeah, that’s it, that’s the answer Kerry hasn’t come out with yet, so listen up, Mary Beth. And FUCK YOU, Joe Scarborough. God, how does presidential cock taste, anyway?

Laura and the future First Lady, Teresa Kerry, are saying hello. Laura looks like she just swallowed a codfish whole.

Catty moment: Mrs. Allen Greenspan looks like the Crypt Keeper. Yeeaaarch. “She’s got an odd-shaped head. She looks like a cat-head, that’s why we call her Meow Mix,” and bonus points to anybody who gets that reference.

Fangirl moment: Ron Reagan is hot. Boys, pay attention.

56 seconds to go.

Here we go.

No opening statements? The hell?

Nice handshake. Very good. Big smile. Is Bush wearing heel lifts?

Ok – after the first words about prayer, I knew – there’s not longer any question whatsoever in my mind — Bush is the anti-Christ.

Kerry: Preventing 9/11 attacks. “I can make America safer.” Kerry’s whaling on Bush and no “We’re 90% of the casualties in Iraq.” “Isolate the radical Islamic Muslims rather than let them isolate us.” Oooh, good one.

If I was drinking at every mention of terrorism I’d be blind already.

Bush: He’s repeating the 10 million registration for Afghanistan again … A-Q? What, is he Big G now?

Wait a minute, Bush is the one who’s rambling? Who’s going off on tangents now. Same shit, different venue, basically. He’s regurgitating talking points.

Kerry: “I believe in being strong and resolute but we also have to be smart.”

“He outsourced that job, too.” – Kerry referring to Afghanistan, Tora Bora, and the warlords we sent into Afghanistan rather than our soldiers. Goddamn. He is kicking his ass. 90 percent of the casualties and 90 percent of the cost. Holy shit. I mean, holy shit.

Kerry just warmed up and suddenly, the room became filled with the perfume of roses and I know just how you felt when you listened to the Weld debate, Athenae. He’s really tearing him apart.

Bush is bringing up Kerry’s past statements, which are not in the slightest inconsistent with what Kerry just said. Bush looks snotty, rattled, and annoyed. Already.

Bush just mixed up Hussein and bin Laden … AGAIN.

Kerry rebuttal: Iraq was not even close to the center of the war on terror before the president invaded it. I wonder if Mr. Athenae would mind if I left him for John Kerry.

Bush is just regurgitating talking points. Over, and over, and over. America will be safer. America will be safer. I promise. Trust me. Here, buy this snake oil.

We can succeed but I don’t think this president can – Kerry. Lehrer looks like Kerry just fucked his mother live on TV. He looks SHOCKED at Kerry’s prowess.

Oh, Game Fucking ON.

Kerry just picked up on the “mixed message” thing. First responders, oh, god, yes, hit ’em again.

Uh – paint a little mustache on that little pissant and say Seig Heil! He’s just out and out doing the Nazi thing today.

When bring troops home: Bush: When ambassador Negroponte (decides he’s raped the country to his satisfaction) decides it’s time to leave …

Kerry just brought up Bush’s dad. Bush looks like he swallowed a hamster.

The oil ministry guarded. Didn’t guard the nuclear facilities, forieng office. Kerry’s being pretty subtle with the combat digs.

John is just amazing. Two more debates – no fucking way. No fucking way.

Kerry looks like whatever Bush can dish out, he can take. I made mistake in how I talk about the war. President made a mistake in invading Iraq. Which is worse?

“I know how hard this is, I get the casualty reports.” Yeah, reading all those pages of names is taking the piss right out of you, flyboy. Right.

Kerry’s hitting him hard now. Kerry looks like a grownup. “What I’m trying to do is talk the truth to the Americna people. Truth is what good policy is based on.” Yeah. Kerry knows troop numbers.

So what do you think Bush is doodling right now. “George Heart Laura 4 EVAH!!11!” He sure as hell isn’t taking notes.

I thought Bush was going to ask for everyone’s prayers there at the last.

Kerry kicked ass. Total kung fu brain

Bush looks desperate to communicate his ideas. As if he knows people aren’t buying this bullshit.

Bush brings up a wife of a dead soldier. It’s hard work to love her as best I can knowing I sent her husband to his death. Oh, poor you, Georgie. I feel really bad.

“Want to make sure the outcome honors the nobility of their sacrifice.”

The president’s not getting the job done – Kerry.

It’s the same line over and over. Over and over and over and over. Bush: Kerry’s plan simply won’t work. Oh, okay, I guess we believe you because you’ve given us so much reason to believe you.

Bush: 100,000 troops trained by the end of the year. Yeah, we believe you. It’s hard work, it’s hard work, it’s hard work. You know what? I don’t want to know it’s hard work. I want to know you can do the work, goddammit.

Another preemptive war? Bush: I would hope I never have to. I never wanted to commit troops. The enemy attacked us.

Lehrer, ask it, dammit. Who’s the enemy. Who is it, George?

He’s really rambling far afield right now. By speaking clearly and spending messages we’ve affected the world in a policy way. A policy way?

O my fucking god – he said our enemies are not human. He really did. He said: we care for each one of our dead and that’s what distinguishes us from our enemies. He’s the Anti-Christ King Fascist Nazi American style and I don’t think I will be able to stay here if Kerry doesn’t become president.

Kerry’s got him now. Here comes the kill: Saddam Hussein didn’t attack us. Osama bin Laden attacked us. He’s got it.

Bush looks like he wants Karl to call the whole thing off.

“Of course I know Osama attacked us.” Whiny whine boy.

He’s hitting him on North Korea now. Oh, Tena, man, I wish I had your phone number, I want to call and just laugh and laugh.

Bush just SIGHED. Loudly. Did you hear that, Tweety?

“I won’t make decisions that are wrong for America.” Well, that’s a huge relief. God, is this groundbreakng rhetoric? Is this blazing new trails? “I also pledge not to kill kittens live on television, Jim, and as a special favor to you, I won’t bite your ear off.”

Bush: My concerns about the Senator is that he changes positions on the war in Iraq. You cannot lead if you send mexed missages. Well, that’s for fucking sure. I’m not sure what mexed missages are, but I don’t think we should send them.

Bush: I just know how this world works. “I just know.” Shorter Bush, trust me.

Kerry: It’s one thing to be certain. But you can be certain, and be wrong. What I worry about the president is that he’s not acknowledging the realities on the ground. Certainty sometimes can get you in trouble.

Kerry: “I’ve never wilted in my life. I’ve never wavered in my life.” Oh, God, is that a good line ever.

Bush, in 2000, he was a good debater. I’m not kidding. I thought he was clear and easy and funny and real. Evil, but real. This is … this is just bad. I almost feel sorry for him. Almost.

Okay, in the last five seconds, Bush just pronounced Kim Jong Il four ways. Fucking hell.

Bush is revealing himself to be a total wuss. He won’t make the attacks his surrogates are making while Kerry’s right there, whereas Kerry’s making the same arguments he’s always made, not cowed at all by Bush’s presence. He stands by his words.

Closing statements: Kerry thanks Bush, reiterates love for his country, different convctions. He’s so presidential. Another good line: I believe in freedom, not

fear. Responsible leadership that we deserve. Bush talking about America showing uncertainty and weakness not happen as long as I’m president. Yeah, not after tonight, motherfucker. Just pledged not to draft. Yeah, we trust you. We will fight the terrorists around the world so we don’t have to fight them here at home. Flypaper again. Gawd.

I knew Kerry was brilliant, but I’m awed. Really.

I can’t imagine them doing this two more times. I really can’t. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll go refill my wine glass.