Dear Daily Planet employees,
First, let me thank you all for your personal bravery and fine coverage during the recent nerve gas attacks launched by Lex Luthor against Metropolis. Fortunately, we only lost three in the newsroom to the attacks. A special thanks to Lois Lane and Clark Kent, who will be receiving $50 gift certificates to Penguin Books & Emporium, for saving the Daily Planet building again.
Unfortunately, the crisis only adds to our need to watch the bottom line. Even a fictional newspaper runs into the hard reality of growing costs. Our biggest expense: paper.
You will recall with pride our campaign to stop distribution of free papers within the Daily Planet building. With the exception of Lois Lane, who will be fined $150 per incident, it has been a total success. Employees are now paying for papers within the building, saving our owner, Gotham City’s distinguished Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot, more than $3,000 a quarter. Now we must save more money on paper.
Starting last week (and we know many of you have uncovered the secrets of time travel), employees of the Daily Planet must start providing their own toilet paper for use at work. Mr. Cobblepot estimates a savings of $705 a quarter. If you forget to bring your own, you may buy a roll from housekeeping down in the lobby for $6, single-ply, or $8, double-ply. As of now, access to the facilities is still free.
I thank you in advance for your cooperation, and I look forward to making 2006 the best year at the Daily Planet ever. I can smell success in the air.