A Kiss On The Hand May Be Quite Continental

But diamonds are a mom’s best friend?

The jewelry commercials during the holidays always gross me out. Not just because the stuff’s more than I can afford and rarely to my taste; I’m not fond of diamonds, though I do love jewelry itself. No, mostly it’s the implication that clueless men can get out of doing stupid shit and continue to convince their long-suffering wives to fuck them if they just buy them sparklies. It’s insulting to everybody in the marriage and with two weeks to go until Christmas, I pretty much already want to shoot the TV. Every kiss does not begin with fucking Kay, ‘kay?

It’s not so much the nastiness toward women that gets me in the piece Lindsay cites; I’ve come to expect that. It’s the nastiness toward men. You’re all just a buch of clueless morons who need to be led by the hand and shown exactly what to get to make your wife understand you appreciate her having your child. You can set the house on fire, forget her birthday, get drunk during her work party, and all will be forgiven if you just bring home a rock. What kind of rock? Hardly matters. The jewelry store will show you the way, you fucking doofus. And you probably don’t know how to load a dishwasher, either. Go watch some football. And fart.

Thing is, I do not actually know any men who have relationships with their wives like this. Most of the guys I know buy their wives or girlfriends (or boyfriends) presents because it makes their partners happy. They take the time to figure out what kinds of things their partners like, and get those. For some people it is the kind of jewelry available in lots of the chain places; for othes it’s not. I can’t say for certain everybody I know doesn’t have some kind of secret rocks-for-cock arrangement, but if lots of my friends are being bribed for sex, they certainly aren’t telling me about it over Cosmos and re-viewings of Sex and the City.

Schmucks.

A.

15 thoughts on “A Kiss On The Hand May Be Quite Continental

  1. Michael says:

    Dang, A.! I guess they hit a sore spot, eh? 😉
    I can only say that my wife has already told me not to bring any of that cheap crap home. And if I brought the good stuff, she’d probably beat me over the head with it while asking: “Don’t we have better things to spend our money on?”
    And she’d be right. As usual, damn it. 😉

  2. pansypoo says:

    there are so many they sure seem desperate this year.
    i am sort off all gemstones. tho, well, i have too many loose stones. but, since i find such good deals at estate sales, i don’t even look at jewelry at art fairs. cept earrings. cheap ones.
    shit. i have dated(1966) and signed mexican silver ring i got for $2.50, how does a guy compare with that? but if a future mr. pansypoo needs a hint. just get me a nice old lure or two. i’m a cheap date/sweetie.

  3. liprap says:

    Hmmm…you get too many baubles and you decide to wear ’em with kids aged 0-3 years and see how long said baubles will stay on your person without being yanked on or broken. Just sayin’…

  4. Athenae says:

    And if I brought the good stuff, she’d probably beat me over the head with it while asking: “Don’t we have better things to spend our money on?”
    Michael, for me that’s the reaction to the Lexus commericals where the guy gets out of forgetting to pick his kid up for practice by putting a big bow on a $40,000 car.
    A.

  5. hoppy says:

    Just to get into the proper bah humbug mood: I look at Christmas this same way. For years Christmas has been a depressing time for me, and I have noticed, for many others. The way our whole culture puts a guilt trip on all of us, trying to make us spend ourselves into bankruptcy every year at this time, just disgusts me. It isn’t helped by the fact that I rarely see people who really want the presents they get. And, at family gatherings there is always the one who buys a $500 toy for the grandchild/nephew/niece/neighbor. That causes said child to want to toss away the book I buy him/her.
    I used to really enjoy the holiday season, but not now. I suppose the best present I get is hearing that the stores did poorly this year.

  6. TX Scotia says:

    Maybe we need a “Christmas is a depressing time for me” group. I hate it more each year with the diamond and Lexus and cell phone commercials and the same dipy, shitty, badly animated, 30 minute sappy “Xmas” stories every year.
    A, the only thing your post reminded me of was “Moulin Rouge”. I want to see it again now. That is becoming my “Happy Holiday” movie. A thing to lift my spirits and make me think. I would have loved to dance in that film.
    I just drove 3,000 miles across the Western United States listening to Bob Dylan, Jefferson Starship & Queen day & night. This is after driving 5,000 miles over the last year back and forth twice in a UHaul. Diamonds and Rolexes don’t mean much to us now. The best advice I ever got was just after we moved into a new place from a fortune cookie, “He who knows he has enough is rich”. Cool, huh?
    Love you guys.

  7. LarryE says:

    I agree on the “men are dopes, women are greedy” subtext of the ads, but what really gets me about them is the perverse reminder they provide of how much we have divided into haves and have-nots.
    They remind me that even as so many millions struggle daily to keep their homes, their health insurance, their heat, how many tens, hundreds, of millions here and abroad can’t even manage those, that there is this whole other world out there, another world within our own borders, where $2000 diamond necklaces and even $30,000 cars are considered reasonable enough as Christmas presents that advertisers feel it efficient to promote them as such.

  8. Gidget Commando says:

    And I thought I was the only one who found that meme insulting. You know, men can be ignorant f-ups but bring home something sparkly and expensive and all is forgiven.
    Baaah! It lets husbands off the hook for behaving like men, instead of spoiled boys, and treats wives like high-priced whores. Give me a man who makes my heart sing all year long and gets me a much more modest, but just-right, gift at the obligatory solstice holiday.

  9. Athenae says:

    A, the only thing your post reminded me of was “Moulin Rouge”. I want to see it again now. That is becoming my “Happy Holiday” movie. A thing to lift my spirits and make me think. I would have loved to dance in that film.
    That’s the version of the song I have on my iPod! Nicole Kidman rocked that role.
    *sings*
    A.

  10. Phalamir says:

    “Michael, for me that’s the reaction to the Lexus commericals where the guy gets out of forgetting to pick his kid up for practice by putting a big bow on a $40,000 car.”
    I thought he was trying to get her outside. To me it seemed he was lying about the forgetting to trick her into coming outside (and be carrying her purse/drivers license, so she could drive it).
    In that ad, the strange part, to me, was that he was WASP, the kid was WASP, but the wife is Latina – was it really so hard to find a kid who looked reasonable able to have been spawned by that couple?

  11. Soullite says:

    These commercials are a sign of everything thats sick with our culture.
    If you were a smarter group of people, you wouldn’t these commercials because of what they make men think they can get away with, you would hate them because of the vital role they have in perpetuation misogyny by shoring up the idea men have that all women are whores, and the idea women have that being a whore is okay as long as you get paid well.

  12. Dorothy says:

    “Michael, for me that’s the reaction to the Lexus commericals where the guy gets out of forgetting to pick his kid up for practice by putting a big bow on a $40,000 car.”
    I thought he was trying to get her outside. To me it seemed he was lying about the forgetting to trick her into coming outside (and be carrying her purse/drivers license, so she could drive it).

    Yeah, the kid was outside with him–they were conspiring to get her outside so they could surprise her.
    One thing that kills me about the car commercials is the idea that people want to be “surprised” with a car. Uh…don’t you want to drive it first? And, damn, how much spare cash must you have lying around that you can take a car-sized hit to your budget and not feel the need to discuss it with your spouse?
    Oooh–that’s another sexist aspect of this, too: men can surprise their wives with big-ticket items because they run the budget. There are a few (but very few) commercials where the woman surprises her husband with a big-ticket present. Of course, that’s only because women are much more materialistic and greedy than men. You can buy off your man for a six pack of beer. /snark

  13. Reba says:

    I have told my husband that if he ever comes home with one of those snaky diamond pendants I will immediately file for divorce. Ditto for buying a car and not discussing it with me first. Not that either of those is likely because, like most Americans trying desperately to make it into/remain in the middle class, we’re broke most of the time. When we do get something big, we plan for it. My husband and I bought ourselves an upright freezer one Christmas. Very romantic. This year, we’re contemplating a magnet water softener system. It may seem weird, but we just use Christmas to give ourselves permission to do something practical that we will otherwise put off. We can’t be the only ones, can we?
    I am blessed by a family that does not make a big deal out of Christmas. We get stuff for the kids, but it’s neither necessary nor expected to send gifts to adults. Takes the stress right out of the season. So does going to auctions throughout the year and finding cool, funky things for under $5. Half the time, we don’t wait for the holiday; we just send it. So the advertising push to buy, buy, buy! just irks me into turning off the TV.

  14. pansypoo says:

    obviously we are not in the got georgie’s tax cuts set here.
    i also think that snaky pendant is very poor design and banal.
    i only desired a estate piece i saw at the jewelry store where i had repairs done. not semetrical. leafy and would want the diamonds replaced. deco. but it was sold, so i desire none.

  15. quote:
    And if I brought the good stuff, she’d probably beat me over the head with it while asking: “Don’t we have better things to spend our money on?”
    Michael, for me that’s the reaction to the Lexus commericals where the guy gets out of forgetting to pick his kid up for practice by putting a big bow on a $40,000 car.
    A.
    endquote
    Athenae,
    I love you like a sister, but darlin’, that kid he’s “forgetting to pick up” is standing right beside him the whole time, waiting for mom to come out. It’s supposed to be a surprise for mom, and the kid is in on it.
    Selective nonattention doesn’t help anything.

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