Every Once In A While They Pull One Out

I’m actually kind of fond of this movement.

This should be fun. Ohio Talibangelist Rod Parsley, one of the infamous Patriot Pastors who backed homophobe GOP candidate Ken Blackwell for governor in last year’s election, is beating the drum to have dust-laden state adultery laws enforced.

Parsley, head of the pious Center for Moral Clarity, practically had a boner over a recent case in Michigan, where its second-highest court ruled that anyone involved in an extramarital fling can be prosecuted for first-degree criminal sexual conduct — a felony that could land you in prison for life.

This would actually give the Save Marriage! crowd some cred, if they recognized that part of saving marriage involves the lawfully wedded not fucking other people without their spouse’s permission. This would actually be a way of targeting some of the things that break people up.

It would be great watching some cheating scumbags thrown in jail, I have to admit. Lock up the asshole who’s screwing his secretary. Hold up for public ridicule the councilman diddling the maid. Put on trial in the most public fashion possible the guy who thought it was a good idea to bang his carpooling partner while his wife thought he was working late. Those needy dickheads who have “office wives,” too, and the girls who think “he doesn’t understand me” is an excuse to frack his brother. Generally anybody who doesn’t have the balls to break up with someone before they cheat? In the slammer they go.

And it can’t stop there. This is just the beginning. We can lock up guys who sarcastically refer to their wives as “the boss.” Mandate that each landlord in the nation install a dishwasher in every apartment unit no matter how small or old. Provide government-subsidized babysitting so couples can get out of the house more than once a month. Allow you to tax-deduct condoms, lube and Dido CDs, and write off your florist charges up to $500 a year. An end to snoring, a cure for the common cold, and a pill that wipes out morning breath throughout the land.

I personally know my own marriage would be a hell of a lot happier if we could somehow get all Chinese restaurants to drop delivery charges, so when the Patriot Pastors are done plastering scarlet letters all over the vile betrayers, maybe they can work on that, too.


9 thoughts on “Every Once In A While They Pull One Out

  1. slim says:

    “Provide government-subsidized babysitting so couples can get out of the house more than once a month.”
    You mean some couples get out more than once a year?

  2. Nora says:

    The best part of enforcing the adultery laws would be watching the sanctimonious assholes who are pushing for this be the first ones caught.
    But really, folks, most states have no fault divorce now. You don’t have to prove adultery or abandonment or cruelty to get out of a marriage. Ideas like this are flying in the face of history. Na ga happen.

  3. whetstone says:

    Ah, but you misunderstand the social conservatives. Be sure to limit your ideas for encouraging things to punitive measures, or you’ll gain no traction. Unless, of course, you and your spouse were to incorporate–then you might be able to finagle some tax breaks for romantic music purchases.

  4. hoppycalif says:

    Whetstone, I am in awe! I have never given the slightest thought to incorporating my marriage, but I see no flaws at all in doing so. I, of course, will be the CEO and CFO, and the missus will be…ah…now, maybe I have a glimmer of the possible problems.

  5. merlallen says:

    do blow jobs count?

  6. soullite says:

    I’m not sure you thought this one through. Adultery is a legal construct sanctioned by the state. As such, it’s violation is not legally comparable to saying mean things or being rude. It’s a violation of a state contract, and the state clearly has the power to punish those who violate the terms they entered into willingly. These people all could have gotten legal separations or divorces, they chose not to follow the law. There are free speech issues at the heart of why me saying rude things isn’t illegal. There are no such issues involved here.
    the bottom line is that society legislates morality every day. Murder, rape, thievery, assault. Those are moral laws, they don’t exist in nature. When we were still on the Savannah, nobody got arrested for taking someone else’s club. Nobody got smote by gods, nobody got taken to jail. If you want to argue that we don’t legislate morality, than your argument is essentially we shouldn’t legislate anything, or perhaps only those things you personally think are acceptable. Perhaps you’d like to dress up moral claims as protection against social harm, but even their objections to the criminalization of adultery are unfounded. Adultery clearly causes social harm. It causes murder, suicide, depression, and a host of other mental problems. It raises misogyny and Misandry, prevents many people from ever forming stable relationships and it can deprive children of one of their parents. So there is plenty of social harm to justify a law forbidding adultery.
    Personally, I don’t favor it’s outright criminalization, but there should be a legal remedy for it to act as a deterrent. Perhaps people should be allowed to sue for monetary compensation. Also, perhaps tortuous interference statutes and common law can be updated to sue the other partners of infidelity. Adultery is an obvious form of mental abuse, that we treat it as far less serious than other forms of spousal abuse is a failing of our society. This is not a religious issue, this is a simple human one. Do we want to live in this society, with every generation more emotionally damaged than the next as we have been for the last few decades, or do we at some point realize we need to treat people better.

  7. CrispyShot says:

    Not to harsh on you buzz, but wouldn’t this kind of enforcement land Starbuck (and Lee) in the brig?
    Ya gotta think these things through.

  8. WitchWay11 says:

    Geez…soullite…way to be a downer. A’s just brainstorming for ideas here and you’re shooting every one down. Me – I like the free Chinese delivery idea best. Our place is free with orders over $10 (never a problem for us), but I support it on behalf of those who are less fortunate.
    Seriously…Cheaters really do suck, though. And Nora’s right – they’d be the first to go!

  9. Steve Brohan says:

    I think a lot of the problem is that in contemporary non religious society its more or less assumed that people, especially good looking young people are cheating. Just look at the stories that come up when messenger signs in on your computer. So our secular society is really saying anything goes but behind the stage so to speak are the laws of the religious people and moral values crowd who by the way are cheating also or at least some of them )think Newt.

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