A Request For Help

I really hate blegs, especially when they’re this … specific, but I need a favor from you all. Can one of you fine readers possibly find it in the goodness of your heart to come over to my house andFEBREEZE MY BRAINS OUT OF THE CARPET?

Some concerned parents have contacted the Mattel toy company with allegations that one of its dolls utters words which promote Islam.

The Little Mommy Cuddle ‘n Coo dolls are manufactured by Fisher-Price, which is part of the Mattel toy empire. However, a number of parents contacted the company when they heard the doll say these words: “Islam is the light.”

Because I don’t know if this is a product of combining too many late-night Chucky viewings with chug-a-lugs ofPowerthirst and a constant soundtrack of Little Green Footballs’ The Fucktard-Driven Life Motivational Podcast or what, but who the holy blue hell sits around listening, over and over, to messages in things that you pull a string to make them talk, until they start sounding like the utterances of all your deepest fears? I mean it, who does this? This is like … we’re one step away from thinking the toaster is sending you messages from Elvis, here. This is that close. This is me unplugging my microwave because I think it’s transmitting my thoughts to the Easter Bunny, is what this is.

I so badly want someone to start a ministry or outreach program for these people, these people who think the whole world is a fun-house reflection of Free Republic. Perhaps one of our nation’s many super-duper-mega-marketing-outlet-church complexes could include, between its “Selling Your Crucifix Nail Necklances on Etsy for Fun and Profit” seminars and “Jesus Wants You To Date Insecure Loud-Talking Cell Phone In The Bathroom Stall Guy” re-education summer camps, a sort of “Stop Being Such A Goddamn Crazy Narcissist Because Most Muslims Don’t Know You Exist You Doofus” mini-course for people who would otherwise be monitoring the white noise from the washing machine for subliminal Islamofascist propaganda. Perhaps their need to be important sentinels standing on the walls manning the battlements in the war on terror could be channelled into something useful that way.

Even if it’s making lanyards, for fuck’s sake, it’s got to be more beneficial to society than THIS.


11 thoughts on “A Request For Help

  1. My niece and her fiance both work at Target and they told me about these dolls. Most sound like they say “islam is the light.”
    Wouldn’t have believed until I saw for myself.

  2. I clicked through, and clicked through, and clicked through…nothing!
    Aww, come on! I want audio!

  3. stupid – you can probably make anything sound like anything if you try hard enough. I am over the ‘scary thing in the dark!!!’ meme – fucking turn on the light freepi! Or are you afraid if you do, Mom will be there shocked at seeing you chafing yourself into starbursts over imagined/willed into life islamofascist rhetoric in a BABY DOLL!?!?
    Ugh!!! A, scoot over, I need to add my brain into the mess in the shag carpet…

  4. Thanks for the link Virgotex – but I’ve got to admit, I didn’t hear it say that.

  5. You know what? Let them lose their minds over this. So long as they’re busy purging dolls of perceived religious bias, they’re too busy to be purging their towns of suspected liberals and Muslims.
    In fact, we need to arrange more of these relatively painless outrages to keep them occupied while the adults are in charge for the next however many years we can manage.

  6. Wow. That’s just…weird. I mean, okay, it does sort of sound like “islam is the light,” but then what is the rest of the FUCKING BABY TALK? Srsly, that’s just pathetic, especially when they start in on the “then it says Satan is the King!” thing. WTF?
    It CLEARLY said Elvis is the king.

  7. do children like shit like that??? it promotes teenage pregnancy. should have baby dolls that wail every hour on the hour. THAT is a BABY doll.

  8. All talking dolls are creepy as hell. But here’s my question: WTF is WRONG with a doll promoting Islam? So the FUCK what? Islam is NOT inherently evil. Bet if these dolls said something that sounded like “Jesus is the way and the light” NO ONE but NO ONE would be complaining. How fucked is that? One religion is okay, but the other is not?
    Man. No wonder the Muslim world hates the United States.

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