24 thoughts on “So, Themistocles And Thucydides Walk Into A Bar…

  1. Man walks into a drug store and says, “Druggist, do you have any talcum powder?”
    And the Druggist says, “Sure, just walk this way…”
    And the Man says, “If I could walk that way, I wouldn’t need the talcum powder.”

  2. A woman asked her husband, “What would you do if you caught me in bed with an other man?” He replied, “I would beat him to death with his little white stick.”

  3. In St. Louis, when kids go trick or treating, they have to tell a joke (the trick) before they get their candy( the treat). My niece told this one:
    Why can’t you tell jokes while skating?
    Because the ice might crack up.

  4. My favs are all dead baby jokes, but I won’t be the first to go there.
    Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducked.

  5. A double cheeseburger walks into a bar and orders a gin and tonic. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

  6. A double cheeseburger walks into a bar and orders a gin and tonic. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here”.

  7. Sorry about the double post on the double cheeseburger. See, it was so funny it had to be told twice.

  8. A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”. The grasshopper says, “You have a drink names Steve?”.

  9. A little boy comes running in to see his mother, crying.
    Little Billy: “Mommy, mommy! The kids outside are making fun of me for having a big head.”
    Mother: “Don’t cry, Billy.”
    [pantomime patting giant head]
    Mother: “Don’t you pay those kids any mind. Now put your glasses back on…”
    [pantomime putting glasses on a head the size of a beach ball]
    Mother: “…and go run back outside and play.”

  10. Two brothers, 10 and 8, decide they can spice up their lives by cursing. The older brother decides to start peppering “Hell” into conversations while convincing his younger brother to say “ass” whenever he can.
    Excited about how much more adventurous their lives will be, they wake up the next morning to find their father in the kitchen. Dad asks his older son, “What would you like for breakfast?”
    The boy grins widely and proclaims, “Hell, Dad, gimme some Froot Loops!” The father yanks his son out of the chair, gives him a hard spanking and sends him back to his bedroom. He then glares down at his younger son and says, “Well, what do you want?”
    The younger boy, eyes wide, says, “I don’t know, Dad, but you can bet your ass I don’t want any Froot Loops!”

  11. Funniest joke ever is a true one:
    A friend of the family was nannying for a family when this happened.
    The mom got a call from school because the daughter (either kindergarten or around that age) was told in the cafeteria that she needed to eat her peas.
    The child responded: “I don’t want any more fucking peas.”
    The principal was called in on this and immediately called the mom.
    “What do you want us to do?” the principal asked.
    “Well for starters,” the mom replied, “I wouldn’t give her any more peas…”

  12. A young soldier has just come home after his first jump as a paratrooper. His father asks his son how it went.
    “Well, Dad, everyone else was nervous, but I felt totally calm. Finally, it came my turn to jump — and I don’t know what happened, I just froze up, I couldn’t jump. Finally the drill instructor came up to me and said “IF YOU DON”T JUMP RIGHT THIS INSTANT I’LL STICK MY DICK SO FAR UP YOUR ASS IT’LL COME OUT YOUR NOSE!”
    “Damm, son!” his father said. “Did you jump?”
    “Yeah, a little bit, at first” the son replied.

  13. Guy goes out every night, gets drunk, comes home and pukes in the kitchen sink. Wife quickly grows tired of this, but isn’t sure what to do about it other than to warn him, “If you keep that up, then someday you’ll puke up your own guts!” Husband says, “Yeah, yeah, right.”
    One day while out driving, she hits and kills a cat. Then she gets an idea. She scoops up the cat’s guts, puts them in a bag, takes them home and leaves them in the sink. Later, she goes to bed and awaits hubby’s return.
    She hears him come in, hears him puke in the sink and then hears an ear-piercing scream. She walks slowly downstairs to the kitchen. “What’s the matter?” she asks.
    “You were right!” he says. “Tonight I finally puked up my own guts.”
    She looks in the sink. No guts.
    “But by the grace of God and with the help of a spoon,” hubby continues, “I got ’em back down!”

  14. A young priest is walking through town when a hooker beckons, saying Hey fadduh, blow job, five bucks. The priest has no idea what she’s saying, but faces front and continues walking.
    A second hooker calls out, Hey fadduh, blow job, five bucks. Clearly these women are up to no good, he thinks, and continues on, averting his eyes.
    As he nears the edge of town, a third one yells, Hey fadduh, blow job five bucks. Blushing redly, he continues on his way out of town.
    He can’t control himself any longer, and he has to know. He see a convent nearby and he rushes in, and makes his way to the office of the mother superior, where he breathlessly asks, “Mother superior, what’s a blow job?”
    She responds, “Five bucks, same as in town.”
    That joke got me thrown out of catechism class many, many years ago, and I’ve always loved it for that service.

  15. Pirate walks into a bar, with a steering wheel shoved down the front of his pants.
    Bartender says, “Hey, didja know that you’ve got a steering wheel shoved down the front of your pants?
    Pirate says “Yarrr, it’s driving me nuts!”

  16. My favorites are corny musician jokes –
    The most often told in the Wittman household?
    Why’s it such a pain to date French horn players?
    ‘Cause they try to shove their fist up your ass every time you kiss.

  17. A string walks into a bar. The bartender says to him “Get out of here! We don’t serve strings!” So the string leaves. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself into a knot and musses the top of his head, and walks back in.
    The bartender takes one look at him and yells “I told you before, we don’t server your kind here!” “What do you mean?” says the string. “We don’t serve strings!” says the bartender. “But I’m not a string!” says the string. “You’re not a string?!?!” says the bartender. “No,” says the string, “I’m a frayed knot!”

  18. I have two exceedingly tasteless jokes about everyone’s favourite zombie:
    How does Hitler tie his shoesies?
    In little knotsies.
    Why doesn’t Hitler drink tequila?
    Because it makes him mean.

  19. So there’s these two muffins in the oven, and one of them says to the other, “is it me or is it getting hot it here”
    and the other one says, “OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!!”

  20. A woman can’t stand the terrible snoring of the family dog, and finally asks the vet if there is anything to be done. The vet thinks for a while and says, “You’re not going to believe this, but it does work. The next time the dog snores, tie a ribbon around his balls. Not too tight, mind you, and it will work. I don’t know why, but it’s never failed me yet.”
    The woman can’t believe it but one night when her husband was out at a poker game and she was trying to sleep, the dog starts snoring so loud she can hear it across the whole house. So she gets up and ties a red ribbon around his balls and soon enough, the dog stops snoring! Contented at last she settles down to sleep.
    In the wee hours of the morning her husband comes home dead drunk and gets into bed and is soon snoring like mad himself. The poor wife can’t believe it and is at her wits end when she gets an idea. She finds another piece of ribbon, blue this time, and she ties it around her husbands balls. Sure enough, it works like a charm and everyone gets a good night’s sleep.
    The next morning, the husband wakes up and groggily gets out of bed. On the way to the bathroom he notices the dog, still asleep with the red ribbon tied around his balls. He then, of course, notices the ribbon on his own and stands there in wonder. Then he calls out to his wife, “Honey! I don’t know where I was last night or what the hell happened, but God damn it Boomer and I won first and second prize!”

  21. late to the party, but…
    A neutrino walks into the bar and orders a beer. Bartender brings sets it down and the neutrino asks, “how much?” Bartender says, “for you, no charge.”

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