There is nothing on earth worse than a sick toddler. Bar none. The Midget has a fever and The Missus has stomach troubles. Seeing the two of them curled up on the couch watching “Maggie, Beast and Hamilton” (as The Midget calls it) is one of the most pathetic sights ever. Other than being grateful for the day off, I’m grateful for having dodged whatever ails them at this point…

Here’s the post-Turkey bloat boost:

– When I was a kid, I had to go with Mom to the Black Friday sales. As an adult, I swore, I’d never go again and I’ve lived up to that promise. A lot has changed since those “6 a.m.” door busters, including this kind of stupid crap. It’s not an isolated deal, either, with a 34-year-old worker getting killed during the blitzkrieg. What the hell is wrong with people? I want decent deals and I have limited funds, but who’s thinking, “Jimmy’s getting a flat screen if I have to go all Jules Winfield in Wal-Mart!”

– Man, was there some serious hostility about Christmas on the log earlier. I remember last year there being a serious storm near my in-law’s place about the placement of nativity at the doorway of city hall. I also read about the fight by a American Freethought groupto place a Winter Solstice sign near the holiday tree at the Wisconsin State Capitol. I get it: It can be damned annoying having someone cramming a belief system down your throat as a manner of course. That said, the Christmas season is the six weeks out of the year when the cashier at my local hardware store doesn’t look at melike he’s a river Gomer and I’m Ned Beatty. If he’s saying “Merry Christmas,” I’ll buy it. It’s his attempt to reach out, whether or not he thinks I’m going to have a tree or go to Midnight Mass. (In a similar vein, I somehow doubt the zit-faced twerp who just threw my six cans of Beef-a-roni on top of my bread and eggs at the grocery store is really engaged in deep thinking and philosophy when he tells me, “Have a nice day.” If I have a shit day, I think he’ll live.) You want to hate the season, totally fine by me. I’m not looking forward to lighting The Missus is going to make me put up or the midnight run we’ll have to do see all of the relatives across the state. Nor am I looking forward to the douchemooks who try to guilt me that I’m not “keeping Christ in Christmas.” Still, let’s find peace with honor on the whole greetings issue.

–Maria de Jesus, you are officially on the clock…

– From the “Clay Aiken All-Stars” file: Midget’s Uncle B and I were watching some truly horrific football yesterday when we caught the half-time show of the Lions/Titans game. Jesse McCartney was the star of the show. B turns to me and says, “Who the hell is that? Frankie Muniz?” I had to look the guy up and even that didn’t help. At least I’d heard of the Jonas Brothers, who played during game two. In reading up on McCartney and all his appearances as “himself” on bad TV shows, I think we’ve found the male equivalent of Paris Hilton. Or maybe the next K-Fed.

– Speaking of music, it only took 17 years and enough money to finance about six months of support for the Iraq War, but the new Guns N Roses album finally came out this week. It’s not bad although it’s likely to be viewed as the “Waterworld” of our time: no way it lived up to expectations and easy to lampoon. Unlike the Costner flick, though, this one’s good if you give it a chance.

– Speaking only tangentially about music, singer/songwriter/whore Ashley Dupree is back in the news. The hooker who helped bring down (pardon the pun) Gov. Eliot Spitzer was telling her story to Diane Sawyer on 20/20.Apparently she has a new album of random screeches and howls to promote… Look, I come from an area wherea guy who survived a plane crash by face planting into a cheesehead and parlayed that into Packer tickets, so I get the whole 15 minutes of fame thing. That said, when you’re engaged in an illegal activity, partake in actions that force a sitting governor to resign in shame and basically have no talent whatsoever, is that really the platform from which to launch a pop career?

– OK, so maybe there is a chance after all, if she’s willing to work on her chops on the porn circuit…

Have a great rest of the weekend. Thanks for letting me share your air.

Doc