Introducing The Malaka Of The Week

For the last few years, I’ve had a semi-regular feature at my blog, Malaka Of The Day. I’ve never done it daily but it has a nice ring to it. You’re probably asking yourself: what the hell does malaka mean? It’s Greek for wanker or jerk-off BUT it conveys so much more. It’s the primary cuss word in the Hellenic vocabulary: the equivalent of dropping a nuclear strength f-bomb.

So, I’ve decided to import this feature to First Draft but I’m going to try very hard to do it regularly on either Friday or Saturday. I hope nobody intends to hold me to that promise but if you do there’s lots of malakatude out there.

For the first Malaka Of The Week, I considered mocking someone who’s important like Bad Max Baucus (D-Insurance Industry) but changed my mind after watching the season premiere ofSurvivor. There’s anodious Texan by the name of Russell H whose strategy involves sabotage and extreme mendacity even bySurvivorstandards. He makes Richard Hatch look like Mary Pickford, the Virgin Mary or Mary Richards in contrast. That’s a whole lotta Marys. Hail, yes…

Of course, lying is as common onSurvivor as it is in the halls of Congress or on Fox News but Russell H has plumbed new depths of malakatude. In order to gain sympathy from his young and gullible new tribe mates, he claimed to be from St. Bernard Parish and to be a Katrina/Federal Flood, um, survivor. He claimed to have ridden out the storm in his house with his faithful dog. His story was a real tearjerker: the dog drowned and he was forced to retreat into his attic with an ax. The problem is that none of it was true. Malaka Russell is from Houston and has never been to Da Parish. I knew right away he was a lying sack of shit because of his twangy, Texany accent. People from Da Parish have the classic yat accent, which for the uninitiated among you, sounds like Brooklynese or like Pauly Walnuts fromThe Sopranos.

This is as low as anyone can sink. Playing on people’s best instincts for personal gain is the essence of malakatude. Russell H should not only loseSurvivorhe should be locked in a room with a group of angry and bitter survivors of the real storm and flood. They’d make short work of this pudgy, ugly Texan malaka.

12 thoughts on “Introducing The Malaka Of The Week

  1. OMG, where do I find this brutally perfect example of Malakatude? I’m in Hou TX – and would LOVE to pay him a call and discuss…see what he thought of “One Dead in Attic”, “Heart Like Water”, “Why New Orleans Matters” and the like – let alone just what his street addy ‘was’ in da Parish. (or if he even knows the zipcode there…doubt it)
    Did anyone call him on this sheeeyat? (or is that in the linky…sorry, I am just really REALLY pissed off at this fecking malaka – and didn’t click)
    Jeeeebusss Aitch!

  2. If you ever read the Television Without Pity website, fans are turning away in droves because of this guy.
    Previous Survivor “villains” did their evil deeds to get further in the game. This guy has already admitted he doesn’t need the money and doesn’t care about the game, he just wants to make people as miserable as possible.
    There’s a word for people like him: psychopath. And it’s simply not fun to watch.
    I’ve watched every season of Survivor since the first, but this time I’m bailing. Why watch something that’s the opposite of entertainment?

  3. Elspeth – he claims to be an oilman, but I wouldn’t be surprised if that were a lie, too. Just checked the Survivor website. His name is Richard Hantz and he lives in Dayton, TX. Maybe he’s in the phone book?!
    You go girl…

  4. i sure want to fix elspeth up with kevin, in dallas sort of.
    this is why i do not watch reality teevee, except the fatties. excellent to make me do my exercizes and not overeat, but also because they support each other even at the start. they KNOW how they all are treated.
    plus they nearly killed 2 on the first episode.

  5. You took the word’s right out of my mouth, Elspeth. He knows from malakas being one himself. The feud has found a new venue, alas.

  6. Katrina was an opportunity for Texans to loot New Orleans of its most valued assets; a professional sports franchise, musicians, artists, businesses. Fortunately, most of the larceny was unsuccessful in the long run. This guy is just another example of the bonanza that drove Texans in the aftermath of a city’s near destruction. Better angels won out and the city survives and thrives today.

  7. I am Texan only by accident of birth. Had my mom known better she should have had the wisdom to get herself to New Orleans where I should have been born. 🙂 But, she did surprise me the other day w/Chef John Besh’s new recipe/food pRon book – so that’s nice.

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