Malaka Of The Week: David Vitter

Yeah, I know Vitter is overqualified for this dishonor: he’s awful enough to be malaka of the year, decade or century. The worst thing is that the arrogant bastard is one of *my* Senators. I’ve hated Vitter since he was an overweening, obnoxious insufferably self-righteous conservative goo-goo state legislator. In fact, to know Vitter is to loathe him. That’s why they had to produce ads in 2004 showing that his kids liked him because nobody else does. No one. Why do you think he needs to pay for nookie?

He’s a malaka with many nicknames: Vitty-Cent, the Sinning Senator and Diaper Dave are three of the better ones. Me, I call him Bitter Vitter; a nickname I filched from my friend Clancy DuBos who is the gold standard among NOLA political commentators. Bitter Vitter fits: he’s a man who is angry at the world and ready to kick it in the bollocks, cut them off and feed them to a wolfpack. That’s my Senator or should I say: take my Senator, please. Henny Youngman would know how to deal with Bitter Vitter: he’d have shoved his violin bow either up Vitty’s ass or down his throat. Either insertion would have been most enjoyable.

Bitter Vitter’s latest malakatude is an example of his inability to STFU when he smells political blood. Vitter is a predator and the weakest prey in the political forest right now is<drum roll> ACORN. Talk about easy pickings in the wake of the fake pimp and prostitute scam. I’ll let the Picayune’s ace politics maven, Stephanie Grace, describe it for me. Hell, she’s paid to do this and all I get is ferret food and Puck and Bucky hate to share so I’m SOL:

Now might be a good time for U.S. Sen. David Vitter to rethink the whole zero tolerance thing. I know, I know, righteous indignation is his calling card. Always
has been, ever since he made a name for himself in the Legislature by
pointing his moralistic outrage at the all-too-deserving governor,
Edwin Edwards.

But you’ve got to admit, ever since Vitter was forced to own up
to his involvement with a Washington escort service two years ago, zero
tolerance just isn’t working for him.Consider how Vitter’s recent offensive against another supposedly
easy target, the scandal-plagued community activist group ACORN, blew
up in his face.

Blew up in his face? That’s an understatement, Steph. It was more like a really, stinky loaded diaper splattering all over him. Yuck. Hmm, I wonder whether he uses disposables or a diaper service. Probably the former…

Back to La Grace:

The good news for the GOP: a couple of independent activists posing
as a hooker and pimp caught ACORN workers in several states offering
advice on how to conceal a prostitution ring. The bad news for Vitter
needs no explanation.

Suddenly, cracking down on ACORN had gone mainstream. The
Democratic-controlled Senate voted 83 to 7 to block the group from
receiving any financing from the Transportation, Housing and Urban
Development appropriations bill. Vitter skipped the vote, but didn’t
stay quiet for long. Soon he was back, demanding, among other things, a
racketeering investigation into the group’s activities.

You’ve got to wonder, for a smart guy, shouldn’t he have foreseen where this would all go?


This week, the watchdog group Citizens for Responsibility and
Ethics in Washington decided to turn the spotlight right back on
ACORN’s self-appointed accuser when it announced it had filed a bar
complaint against Vitter, an attorney by trade. “Vitter Seeks Investigation of ACORN for Assisting Fake
Prostitution Ring,” the gleeful press release read. “CREW Seeks
Investigation of Vitter for Role in Real Prostitution Ring.”

That’s right, Vitter’s instinct for the kill got the better of him and now he has to deal with aformal complaint to the Louisiana Bar Association that essentially calls him a sleazy, whoremongering, hypocritical malaka. Well, they use politer terms such as bringing discredit on the legal profession, yadda yadda, yadda. But a douchebag is a douchebag and a malaka is a malaka; and a full diaper smells just as bad whether you call the contents shit or poop. Btw, I dislike the word poop: it sounds too cute, shit is not cute.

Bitter Vitter’s relapse into severe malakatude has made my week. He appeared to be skating through his problems and on his way to re-election in the depressingly red state of Louisiana. It’s also a forgiving place: our former three term Governor Edwin Edwards famously said in 1983 that the only way he could lose that race was “to be caught in bed with a live boy or a dead girl.”

This latest hooker hoopla may, however, just be a temporary setback for a man who will do ANYTHING to get re-elected and had no friends to begin with. If he had a soul, Vitter would sell it to be re-elected; he would sell his mother into white slavery and auction off the family pictures to win in 2010. He’s like a cornered pitbull, which makes him very dangerous indeed. Democratic Congressman Charlie Melancon may be too nice to take out Bitter Vitter but I wish him well. Melancon is a conservative Democrat but at least he’s not a disgrace to the Gret Stet of Louisiana and he’s certainly NOT a malaka.


3 thoughts on “Malaka Of The Week: David Vitter

  1. I think it was Jack Benny with the violin, not Youngman. But that shouldn’t detract from the lovely vitriol sprayed all over Vitter.

  2. They both played the fiddle, Link. Henny used it as a stage prop too but the shtick was different: he claimed it helped him think.

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