Malaka Of The Week: Tim Tebow


This is more of a “lifetime achievement award” than anything else. The Florida Gator QB hasn’t committed any acts of heinous malakatude of late but I may not have him to kick around much longer so I tagged him and he’s it. Besides, the SEC Championship between two of my least favorite SEC football powerhouses, Florida and Alabama is this weekend. Atlanta is about to be invaded by drunken frat boys, douchebags, good ole boys and malakas. Unfortunately for NOLA, the loser is likely to play in the Sugar Bowl so we’ll be putting up with them soon enough. The Florida fans are *slightly* less awful than the Bama faithful but it’s a race to the bottom at best…

Where the hell was I? Oh yeah, Tim Tebow. He’s a great college football player but some of thepaens to his “character”and his overt religiosity creep me out. What kind of jerk wears biblical verses under his eyes? Tim Tebow, Heisman Trophy winning malaka, that’s who.

Tebow is the only college age man I’ve ever heard of who brags about being a virgin. Talk about malakatude. When I heard that, I got in touch with my inner teenybopper and thought TMI. Shut the fuck up, Timbo. You could have just said “no comment” to the dipshit reporter who asked you if you were saving yourself for marriage:

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Of course, Timbo was probably worried about Jehovah raining down fire on him or something like that. Oops, I forgot he’s a frakking role model. I’ve never understood why people think jocks are worthy role models. Of course, it could explain why fans of Babe Ruth ate too many hot dogs, drank too much beer and made far too many passes at girls with or without glasses. Willie Mays was my boyhood hero but when I met him, he was polite but querulous. I *still* think he was the best ballplayer I ever saw but a role model? I think not.

Let’s see what else about malaka Tim Tebow bugs the living shit out of me? Oh yeah, there’s the creepy nature ofCBS sportscaster Verne Lundquist’s man crush on him. Verne positively gushes when he mentions the name Tim Tebow, I suspect he wets himself as well. Yo, Lundquist, what the hell kind of Scandinavian are you? You should be nodding and saying, “Oh jah, he’s pretty good.” Instead you sound like his prom date or something. Sheesh. Have some dignity, man.

p>Speaking of undignified sycophancy, there’s a web site dedicated to Tebow’s awesome godlike qualities calledTebowisms. It came up on the google as the repository (suppository?) of Tebow jokes but instead informs us that it’s dedicated to the greatness of Tim Tebow who is apparently not only Jor-El’s son but is invulnerable to Kryptonite too. I guess he’s saving himself for Lois Lane. Yikes.

I, for one, am thrilled that Tim Tebow’s reign as a college football superstar is nearly over. The only problem with rooting against Florida in the SEC Championship Game is that it would be indirectly rooting forCosby sweater wearing Crimson Tide Coach Nick Saban, which could get me in deep shit with the rabid Sabanophobes in the Gret Stet. I guess I’ll punt instead of going for it on 4th and 1.

Finally, it will be interesting to see Tebow take his bible thumping ways to the NFL. I look forward to seeing three 350 pound fat guys sitting on his head. The jury is still out on Tebow as a professional. I think he’ll either be the second coming of Steve Young (the only liberal Mormon not named Udall) or the nextBobby Douglasswho was also a big lug like Timmy. Douglass was a great running QB who played for Da Bears and completed 43% of his passes in a 10 year career, which included a brief stint with the Saints.

My money’s on Tebow being the next Douglass. Am I sure of that? What the hell do I know? But I know one thing for certain: Tim Tebow not only oozes unctuous religiosity but malakatude as well.

21 thoughts on “Malaka Of The Week: Tim Tebow

  1. I’m not sure if this Wildcat stuff is going to stick in the NFL but if it does Tebow will be great in that type of system. In a regular QB system where you drop back and make reads he’s got a bright future as a fullback.

  2. Yeah, I’m tired of this prick, too. But, annoying or not, he wouldn’t be nearly so bad without all of the announcer love.
    I was flipping through the TV one day, and the Florida-Georgia game was on. I believe the state with the winning team gets the coveted King Cracker trophy for the next season. Anyway, Captain Biblenuts there ran into the end zone for a touchdown, and the announcer (I do believe it was Verne Lundquist) busted a nut yelling about how Tebow had broken Herschel Walker’s record for rushing touchdowns.
    It was pretty sad. Worse than any of Brent Musburger’s inexplicable love for Texas quarterbacks, and even worse than John Madden’s long-term affair with Brett Favre (try and get that image out of your head).
    Also, I think it’s total bullshit that, because of this douche, there’s now an even bigger movement to allow home-schooled kids to play for high school football teams. Fuck that. If you want to stay home and learn about how Mary and Joseph rode a brontosaurus to Egypt to escape the liberal, Marxist, proto-Muslim King Herod, fine. But don’t come to school wanting to be on the teams. You made your choice. Live with it.
    Finally, for the last word on Tebow, I turn to Tbogg:
    Some genius shit. That picture is worth a thousand guffaws.

  3. Captain Biblenuts! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! LOVE it. (Sorry ’bout the exclamation points, Shecky)
    Gawd bless Jude…heh heh heh.

  4. Don’t follow football, but, sure sounds as if there are a couple of wetsuits and a buttplug in Tebow’s future.

  5. Actually, I’ve heard Tebow used as a slur, as in “Shut up, ya Tebow!”
    Sugar Bowl. Years ago we came down to Nawlins for New Years (forgetting all about the SB) and got to meet the collected cesspool of the fans of Florida and Florida State. I swear, there was a fight about every twenty feet in the Quarter.

  6. Jude — You’re kidding about that homeschooling thing, right? *wince* At least where I come from, when I was in high school, if you wanted to play on the sports teams you had to not only be in the school, but you had to be up-to-date with all your student and supplemental fees. The football players, perhaps surprisingly for the American reading audience, hadhuge supplemental fees.
    The rationale was basically that if the province wasn’t paying the school the per-student stipend publicly-funded schools here get per student butt in seat, and you or your parents didn’t make with the rest of the required cash, you didn’t get to be on the teams.
    I’d have no problems with religious homeschoolers playing in age-appropriate extramural sports leagues, but only if they collectively get a team together from amongst themselves and arrange for their own equipment and practice venues. Otherwise, that’s just parasitism. (Which, I suppose, is typical of that sort of Christianist; they’re often detrimental parasites in a number of ways/contexts.)

  7. Yeah, we fund our schools differently here. Public schools are usually funded through local property taxes, and private schools are funded through tuition plus whatever other income the institution has.
    So, technically, everyone who pays property taxes pays for the public school system, to avoid the whole free rider collective action problem. That the homeschoolers are free riding isn’t the problem. The problem, as I see it, is twofold.
    First, if you’ve chosen to opt out of the school system, you’ve made your bed. You don’t get to pick and choose what parts you want and what you don’t, because that just leads to chaos. “Oh, we want Johnny to learn algebra, but we object to him taking science because he might question our beliefs some day.” To hell with that. It’s an all-or-nothing deal, and that should include athletics, band, clubs, and everything else.
    Second, you have the problem of people taking up residence in other school districts so that they can have their home-schooled kid playing on a more competitive team. The Tebows actually did that (and I’d like to see the relevant Bible verse here). He and his mom got an apartment in another district so that he could play on the team he wanted. That’s an unfair advantage for home-schoolers in general, and, among that group, it’s an unfair advantage for people with disposable income, as anyone can see.

  8. We’d be remiss not to mention the time Tebow opted to spend spring break at a Phillipine orphanage called “Uncle Dick’s Home”, where he performed circumcisions on the great unwashed, and then preached the Word to them.
    Sonot kidding.

  9. Isn’t the point of ‘eyeblack’ to reduce glare, reduce light reflecting off of the sweat of the athlete’s face into his eyes? Wouldn’t then putting “John 3:16” on your ‘eyeblack’ stickers tend to make the stickers reflect marginally more light glare into the eyes than plain black would, marginally reduce glare less effectively?
    If you want to reduce glare, wear eyeblack; if you want to stick “John 3:16” in my face, then why not tattoo it across your fucking forehead (in larger letters)?
    Form follows function.

  10. Oyster, I can’t believe it. Of all the things that these people needed, how did circ become a pressing need?
    Admittedly, there is some minor evidence that it may statistically decrease the transmission of some STDs, and a small number of the un-circ may have to have an operation later in life to loosen things up a bit. In the USA it is done on almost everyone.
    But why did an Island orphanage need this instead of other, more effective, help in basic living / nutrition?????????????

  11. Montag, you been reading my twitter feed? Cuz that’s EXACTLY what I sent to Adrastos when he commented on Tebow earlier this week!
    He’s so annoying.

  12. You want to know the real extent of Tebow’s malakatude?
    No acknowledgement of his O-line anywhere anytime, let alone passing around either trophy.
    Just sayin’.
    He wants an NFL career? Put him in Cleveland. If he lasts a season it’ll be a shock.

  13. Oh man, if Bama ends up in the Sugar Bowl..can someone let me crash with them? I want to be in town and see just how asinine my parents are. (they aren’t going to invite me) I am not going to the game and could care less. But since the parentals are in a economy-related money crunch right now – if they splurge on frakkin’ going to Nola for the game (noone in the family attended Bama, so the slavish adoration and rah-rah’g they do for the Tide is beyond my comprehension)…I’m gonna bust a gasket. To boot, they are just Bourbon St. tourists…hotel, Bourbon St., game, Bourbon St., hotel… Nothing else – it’s revolting to me.
    (looka – no exclams…)

  14. Pasagetdowndena? (well, that’s what the silly name for the Houston-related one is called)
    Cool, then I don’t have to ruin my time in Nola tracking them from Tropical Isle to Huge Ass Beer vendor…back to Tropical Isle…
    (wow – still no exc pts. weird times are afoot.)

  15. NOT that I’m volunteering, because that thought just grossed me out…but that douche-tastic pic of Tebow makes me think he will be one of those post-coital criers – totally not sexy. Maybe he can score one of the Duggar’s eldest females and neither will know what it’s supposed to be like other than the time Mommy & Daddy let them watch in order to learn how to sploink one for baby jeebus’ happiness.

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