Malaka Of The Week: The St. Bernard Parish Christmas Gift Thief

As always, there’s a lot of malakatude around but this is a rare example of malakatude with a happy ending but not, of course, for the malaka in question. Last week, somecreep broke into Our Lady Of Lourdes Church in St. Bernard Parishand stole all the Christmas presents they planned to give to the needy. Compounding the malakatude, the church had re-opened a mere one month ago after being flooded by Hurricane Katrina and ye olde Federal flood. The Debrisville media have been riding this story so hard that donations have flooded in (pun intended) to replace the stolen prezzies. (Eek, I sound like an Aussie.)

Yesterday, police arrested the ironically named Herman Peter Smiles, a local crackhead who had broken into the church to rob the poor box to steal money to feed his habit. He found the holiday swag and took it with him thereby wiping the smiles off many a face. Fortunately, the Grinchlike crackhead is a *really* stupid criminal: he lives down the street from OLOL, someone he told about the crime turned him in and he’s already confessed. The goods were also all recovered: the malaka was too high to try and sell them. What a buzz kill, man.

Here’s how WWL-TV news in NOLA covered the denouement of the story:

span style=”color: #ff0000; “>
In short, the church ended up with more goodies to give away and the arrest of the malaka burglar wiped the, uh, smile right off Mr. Smile’s face. Hmm, I wonder if he signs his name with a smiley face? Probably not: I suspect that the convicts frown on smiley faces atAngola…

This noirish holiday story with a happy ending reminds me not of George Frakking Bailey or Frank Frakking Capra but of the frakking Grinch who tried to steal frakking Christmas from the frakking twits in Whoville. Here are Aimee Mann and Grant Lee Phillips withYou’re A Mean One, Mr. Grinch:

p align=”center” class=”asset asset-video” style=”display: block; margin: 0 auto;”>