Today in ‘Marriage Is Miserable’

Ugh, I hate Jerry Seinfeld so much:

Voiceover backed by wacky music: Based on a true story. [image of elderly white man standing in yard, shirtless] In 2003, a man trying to avoid date night with his wife [image of elderly white woman in bed, with rollers in hair, eating popcorn] started a fire in his backyard [video of raging fire being futilely doused with water from hoses] and accidentally burned down his house. [image of woman looking angry (?) coupled with image of man in mug shot] If only they had “The Marriage Ref.” From executive producer Jerry Seinfeld. Coming in March to NBC.

First of all, who prepares for date night by eating popcorn in bed? Yick.

Second, SACK UP, asshole, and if you don’t want to go out on a date with your wife, just tell her and take the consequences. Which will probably be her being upset, because surprise surprise, she likes you and wants to spend time with you and DOESN’T THAT SUCK.

Sigh. I do not know what to do with people who do not know how to say what they want. We have a limited amount of time on this planet, folks. We do not have the oxygen for people to continue being all, “I didn’t ever say what I wanted but he or she should just KNOW and stop doing what I think but never say annoys the crap out of me” and passive-aggressively huffing around. If we didn’t spend so much time dealing with shit like this we could cure cancer, famine, stupidity and death.

I think the reason this show looks to me like it will suck is that I’m not gonna be the marriage ref. I’d like to be the marriage ref. Just the commercials for this thing, which I endured while waiting to see Sherlock Holmes in the theater (OMG GO SEE IT NOW I WAS SO WRONG IT IS GLORIOUS), made me want to brain everybody involved with a cast iron frying pan. It’s a really good thing I didn’t go into psychotherapy. The ERs are already overcrowded.

This comment for the win, though, because it encapsulates what I really think is the problem with shit like this:

This is another one of the ways in which patriarchy sucks: it insists
that het marriages must be miserable, taxing, contests of endurance in
which the “battle of the sexes” is central. For the many many people
who buy into this at some level, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy (which
is not to suggest that there aren’t other patriarchal factors at work,
of course). As someone in a happy het marriage, who knows other people
in happy het marriages, this just bums me out.

I have younger friends who insist they never want to get married because marriage has to be X, or mean Y, and it seriously makes me sad, not because I think everybody has to be married or even should be married, but because I think everybody thinks marriage is one thing and it’s constantly fighting over the toilet brush and giving up everything you want for a life of drudgery. Like there’s a right way to live with anybody. Like everybody doesn’t figure this out on their own every day differently. But there’s very little room for that in the current culture. Go get a house only you know how to clean the right way. Dammit.

And shows like this are really just a way to congratulate ourselves, anyway: Hey honey, at least I don’t burn down the house by way of avoiding fucking you! Hey honey, at least I don’t make you live like these people! Let’s ignore our own problems because we could be THIS instead! Hee hee! I don’t like watching miserable people be miserable. It’s why I hated Jerry Seinfeld’s other show.


10 thoughts on “Today in ‘Marriage Is Miserable’

  1. Well, I liked Seinfeld’s other show…up until the last couple of seasons, when it just turned mean. But this latest piece of trash from him just made my jaw drop open. He seems to be a fairly smart person–why on earth would he think this would be a good idea?

  2. You know those commercials that were on the superbowl that made the poor guy have to carry his girlfriend/wife’s lip balm? Or not to watch footback because he had to go bra shopping with her.
    These were designed for right wing males. Supposedly they are the ones most oppressed. How do I know this? Well on Right wing radio they think that is “exactly what every guy who is in a relationship has to put up with”
    So the advertisers did in fact hit a target audience. probably the same audience that loves According to Jim.
    Now will they like this show, probably.

  3. I hadn’t even HEARD of this piece of shit until I got sucked into watching Biggest Loser last night (full confession: I’ve only seen it twice, but when I inadvertently land on it I CANNOT LOOK AWAY. It’s like a car accident – I don’t WANT to be watching, but OMG I can’t stop myself) and the ad came on and my first thought was “WTF” and my second was, “my marriage sucks, that’s a joke to you?” and my third was “Alex Baldwin is doing this shit? WTF” and then I shook my head and found the remote and landed over at Frontline.
    If my marriage were having problems, Alex Fucking Baldwin would be the LAST guy I’d have giving me advice – he and Basinger worked things out so civilly, remember?
    I’ve never thought Seinfeld was that funny – his standup does nothing for me. It was the characters he surrounded himself with that made that show work.
    Whet’s got it – no Larry David sounds about right.

  4. Hey, the running gag in “Married With Children” was that Ted didn’t want to have sex with Peg as much as she wanted, and neither one of them were old. I thought that show was stupid, too.
    Alex Baldwin’s way overrated.

  5. I liked many episodes of Seinfeld’s other show because it was pro-New York, pro-urban, pro-smart, and at times extremely clever. Sure, the 4 main characters were ugly and shallow, but that was a novel gag at the time.
    This new Seinfeld dreck sounds horrible. Please tell me that it’s not true that Alex Baldwin is involved in such a thing?
    As a person approaching his 30th anniversary in a hetero marriage, I am so totally bored by and annoyed by representations of marriage on TV/Radio that I generally change the channel whenever the subject comes up — and in fact hardly watch TV at all; certainly less than an hour per week, on average, since 1980.
    Sheesh, compared to this new Seinfeld show (at least as described above), “The Honeymooners” was a high point in American popular culture for its realistic and non-stereotyped portrayal of marriage in America.

  6. Don’t know anything about the Seinfeld thing, but I did see Sherlock Holmes. What a hoot! Lots of action, yet still brainy. I was quite impressed.

  7. I hadn’t heard of this but it reminds me of a promo for a show coming up on some lame channel called “Life Coach”. Life Coach? Really? Do people really need one? BTW – was only watching the lame channel because of watching lame show “Trash Men”. As a former Sidney Torres groupie I felt compelled. The compulsion is now officially busted.
    Bottom line for me: whiners only get attention from borderlines, co-dependents and enablers. The rest of us say grow the fuck up. And that means you, Dodge last stand losers.

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