Wayne Allen Root: All My Friends Agree I’m Awesome

Anna Tarkov sends this over viaTwitter, and I know it’s hot in Vegas, butis it brain-boilingly hot?

Obama has killed jobs, he has
killed motivation to create new jobs, he has killed the motivation to
invest in new businesses, or expand old ones. With all this killing,
Obama should be given the top spot on the FBI’s Most Wanted List.

he has kept the union workers of GM and Chrysler employed (with
taxpayer money). He has made sure that most government employee union
members got their annual raises for sleeping on the job (with taxpayer
money). He made sure that his voters got handouts mislabeled as “tax
cuts” even though they never paid taxes (with taxpayer money). And he
made sure that major campaign contributors collected billions off
government stimulus (with taxpayer money).

This is like some twisted version of Wingnut Bingo: Lazy shiftless recipients of handouts? Privileged union members? People “who don’t pay taxes” getting something the Hard Workin’ American Mayunn didn’t get? BINGO! If only there were some completely irrelevant anecdotes he could offer up as data to prove it’s all Obama’s fault, why …

You won’t find proof of the
damage Obama is doing on Wall Street, but rather on Main Street. My
friends are all part of the economic engine of America: Small business.
Small business creates 75 percent of new jobs (and a majority of all
jobs). I called one friend who was a wealthy restaurant owner. He says
business is off by 60 percent. He’s drowning in debt. He won’t last
much longer. His wealth is gone.

I called another friend in the
business of home improvement. He says business is off 90 percent from
two years ago. My contractor just filed personal bankruptcy. She won’t
be building any more homes. The hair salon where I’ve had my hair cut
for years closed earlier this year. Bankrupt. But here’s the clincher
— ESPN Zone just closed all their restaurants across the country. If
they can’t make it selling cheap food and overpriced beer with 100 big
screens blaring every sporting event on the planet to a sports-crazed
society, we are all in deep, deep trouble.

Did you ever eat at an ESPNZone? I ate there once after it opened because some friends and I were curious. You know the ball pit at Chuck-E-Cheese? It was like eating inside one of those, while the demon munchkin cheerleaders responsible for the Pac-Man music sang in your ears. The one in Chicago sucked. The food was over-salted and overpriced, the place was always jammed with tourists and their ill-behaved, sticky children, and if I wanted to eat dinner with ESPN blaring at my head I’d stay home and make myself a frigging steak and open a bottle of cabernet with the $45 it would cost to get a burger and a couple of beers at that shithole.

I love me a sports bar with a million screens, but this wasn’t a sports bar. It was the kind of greedy move that makes greed famous: Hey, let’s have a theme restaurant, make it suck slightly in that “Wichita Airport Bar” kind of way restaurants suck nowadays, build it on a scale that makes Donald Trump look like a slacker, how has that ever gone bad? Its closing isn’t a sign that the world is ending (still less that Obama ended it), it’s a sign people have figured out they can get crappy food and loud noise at their local for 20 bucks and the bartender will throw them some free shots.

And by the by, I thought everybody who lost a job or closed a business was just a lazy idiot who didn’t deserve unemployment benefits because HANDOUTS! And shiftlessness, and why couldn’t they just make it work?

I’ve polled all my friends who own
small businesses — many of them in the Internet and high-tech fields.
They all agree that in this new Obama world of high business taxes,
income taxes, payroll taxes, capital gains taxes, and workers
compensation taxes, the key to success is to avoid employees. The only
way to survive as a business owner today is by keeping the payroll very
low and by hiring only independent contractors or part-time employees
provided by temp agencies.

Sigh. It could also be they’re avoiding employees because it costs a fuckton to insure them for BIG business, not to mention what it costs for those out there who have one or two employees versus 3,000.


But hey, health care is socialism, and socialism kills jobs too. If only we had no taxes. If we had no taxes, everybody would have tons of money, and they could all spend it at ESPNZone.

So who is going to pay Obama’s
taxes? Not his voters. They want government to pay them. Who is going
to create Obama’s jobs? Not his voters — they’ve never created a job
in their lives.

And we’re back to shiftless layabouts again.


15 thoughts on “Wayne Allen Root: All My Friends Agree I’m Awesome

  1. “I’ve polled all my friends … They all agree that… ”
    Gotta love it. The guy asks a selected group of people (and can I assume his friends are a skewed sample?) . He makes a strong statement and they don’t say anything as they want to get away from the bore (?push poll).
    I remember in SC had an aquaintance that went around saying the election was rigged as Clinton took a good percentage of SC and he didn’t know anyone who voted for Clinton. Well, you knew that if you said you voted for Clinton you were in for a half hour of stupidity.

  2. Boy, that sure is a bunch o’stupid crammed into one opinion piece. Did Bucko here ever stop to think that the reason his business friends are doing so badly is because 1 in 10 Americans DOESN’T HAVE A FUCKING JOB anymore? Or that his contractor friends aren’t building houses because Wall Street DURING THE BUSH ERA decided to take our money and go to the casino? Or that Obama/Congress haven’t raised ANY taxes?
    Oy. The stupid, it burns.

  3. Other than dollar bills, candy, unicorns and rainbows, the world was void, without form, There was no history, no other presidents, there was nothing until… da da da DUH
    November 4, 2008.
    cue scary movie announcer guy: “In a world where disabled minority gay union members have been given ALL THE MONEY and their leader spends all day every day killing puppies and grannies…”
    We are ALL prisoners of OBAMA World! HALP.

  4. Okay, so this Libertarian Root (he ran as Bob Barr’s running mate on the Libertarian ticket in 2008) who makes money by taking sucker bets from compulsive sports bettors is a financial expert now? And his prime example of the failure of the economy is the closing of (all but one–the L.A. location that opened last year) ESPNZone?
    By the way, how many jobs is Root creating taking sucker bets?
    Also, your description of ESPNZone is dead on. It’s like a giant Chuck E. Cheese without the creepy robots, except you’re walking into a sports-styled NASDAQ where they serve Buffalo Wings and fries, and have games on the second floor. Also, how much did it cost ESPN to create broadcast facilities at ALL of these locations (the one in Baltimore hosted halftime of Monday Night Football in 1998)?
    And all the friends he polled? I’m guessing he polled three people. Rejected on basis of sample being too small.
    I guess what I’m saying, here, is that Wayne Allyn Root is a Conservative, Libertarian Douchebag. I look forward to hearing his next ad taking prop bets on the NFL preseason scrimmage between Pittsburgh and Washington on the local sports yapper.

  5. Oh, and this isn’t on topic for the thread, but so sorry that you had to say goodbye to Puck this past weekend, Athenae. No fun.

  6. “I’ve polled all my friends who own small businesses …” As if “hiring only independent contractors or part-time” is something new under Obama. That’s been happening for the last 10 years at least. Companies I’m personally familiar with (sample of 3) have long been on the path to zero full-time (and senior) employees. The fact that this tool has “many friends” in the internet and high-tech fields and they are not knee-deep in independent contractors is the surprise to me.

  7. Puck is gone?
    Aww. Sweet travels, little Puck.
    And Sandman, thanks for that link — that cartoon sums up libertarianism beautifully!

  8. Ah, the good old days, pre 2009. I remember so well how I had all the money I needed, didn’t have to pay a penny in taxes, we had peace all over the world, and our dear beloved President had to sit in the sun for an hour to get his skin brown like today’s President. Not only that, but all of my friends were wealthy, and gaining wealth by the hour. Best of all, I was reliving my 20’s. Now I’m 74, running short of money, have to pay taxes (about $500 last year alone), we have endless wars, and by far the worst, my President seems to always have that great tan.

  9. But this is what these people really THINK! It doesn’t have to be true, it doesn’t matter! The entire wingnut ideology is basically created to support their belief that they are DESERVING and everyone else is not.
    It’s really that simple.

  10. “I called one friend who was a wealthy restaurant owner. He says business is off by 60 percent. He’s drowning in debt. He won’t last much longer. His wealth is gone.”
    Maybe people woke up an realized the restaurant sucked and went elsewhere. That’s called the free-market, baby! By the way, I wonder what the reaction from the reichwingers and libertards would have been if some Liberal columnist had written that his friends businesses are all in the tank, and it was George Bush’s fault. Yep, I can just imagine the reaction.

  11. “I’ve polled all my friends who own small businesses — many of them in the Internet and high-tech fields”
    Maybe his friends live in a area that doesn’t really need 50 pc repair guys and web page designers per square mile.

  12. “this new Obama world of high business taxes, income taxes, payroll taxes, capital gains taxes, and workers compensation taxes”
    Wow. Who knew that before Obama none of these things existed.
    The level of stupid is so high among this guy and his friends it’s not hard to believe their businesses are failing.

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