About This Masturbation Thing

Oh dear.

Look. Leaving aside the teawad nonsense and the political implications, this is just fucking stupid. We are simultaneously giving God a ton of credit and no credit at all with this. He’s so powerful he can track who is jerking off, yet he’s so completely unable to prioritize that he’s actually concerned about who’s jerking off? Can’t he triage somewhat? I get he loves us completely and is beyond time and space and shit, but there are plenty of sparrows for him to keep his eye on. He really doesn’t need to know what happens between you and your vibrator. I sometimes picture heaven like the world’s biggest mailroom, and God going, “Do I need to be here for this meeting?”

I especially love O’Donnell’s bit about how if her husband knows how to pull his pud, he won’t need to have sex with her. I’m a chick, okay, so maybe I lack the mystical understanding of The Penis here, but … is this at all the case? Unless you’re yanking yourself sore like a teenager, do you really lose interest in all other forms of sex? Isn’t the stereotype of males that they’re CONSTANTLY after it and girls have to slow them down? “If he knows how to pleasure himself, what am I there for?” Um, I don’t know, what are you there for? Do you really want your husband only fucking you because you’re his only option as all else is denied by God? Isn’t this how rent boys and airport bathroom liaisons happen?

This whole thing is just a big joke right now, of course, like the hair and clothes in those videos (I think I had that stupid jumper, may the masturbating God forgive me), but it really speaks to the insecurity of the whole fundamentalist/teawad/Republican worldview: You HAVE to convince yourself the life you have is ordained by God, and everybody else is sinful and must be reformed, because otherwise, you’re just like the rest of us, figuring out what we want and who we want and how to make it work.

Not like that, perverts.

A.

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21 thoughts on “About This Masturbation Thing

  1. Gummo says:

    I’ve always had a problem with the fundy’s psycho sadist petty little deity:
    “I’m going to give you the greatest gift of pleasure you could ever have BUT ONLY ON THE CONDITION YOU NEVER USE IT! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHA!!!”

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  2. Jude says:

    Look, if masturbation prevented men from having sex with women, Homo sapiens would have died out looooooong ago. Funny thing, that: Almost every boy discovers jerking off before they do the mattress mambo with someone else. So, you know, operating on that whole Second Law of Thermodynamics thing, if event A (chicken choking) precedes and precludes event B (God’s own missionary-style sex only for the purpose of conception), event B ain’t gonna happen.
    She’s as nervous about guys flogging their bishops as insecure men are about women’s Hitachis. And, just like those men’s, her fears are completely unfounded.
    Speaking of hominid names, does anyone else giggle every time they seeHomo erectus? Is it just me? Man that shit has cracked me up since age ten.

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  3. virgotex says:

    Via that video flashback, ODonnell states the Big Question of her candidacy:
    “Why am I even in the picture?”

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  4. ...now I try to be amused says:

    “I get he loves us completely and is beyond time and space and shit, but there are plenty of sparrows for him to keep his eye on.”
    Hey, some folks really get off on micromanaging. I picture the fundamentalists’ Yahweh as the player of an enormous game ofCivilization.

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  5. Robert M. says:

    The thing is, it’s actually pretty easy to construct O’Donnell’s worldview. All you have to do is start with the assumption that every interaction between men and women is fundamentally transactional. Sex isn’t a pleasurable activity you do with your (strictly heterosexual!) partner, it’s currency. Sexual pleasure is something you bargain for by engaging with your rigidly defined gender role.
    So masturbation is basically counterfeiting; sex with contraceptives (or available abortion) is inflationary. Homosexuality is a kind of black market; the openly gay are publicly and completely opting out of the sexual economy.
    It’s a nicely explanatory model, but it’s… deeply bizarre. I’m glad I live in the real world, instead.

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  6. OkieBlue says:

    In O’Donnells case I think “why am I even in the picture” is an EXCELLENT question.

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  7. Poor Richard says:

    Masturbation is proof that God loves us, and wants us to be happy.

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  8. Athenae says:

    Homosexuality is a kind of black market; the openly gay are publicly and completely opting out of the sexual economy.
    Bisexuality is a co-op? Or like one of those farm-share things where you pay for part of a cow or whatever?
    I think only the asexual are completely opting out. Gays in this analogy are more like Prohibitionists in Capone’s time.
    A.

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  9. Dan says:

    We should start calling her Christine ‘Dnnell. GETIT?!?! HAR!
    She must have abysmal self-esteem. “If he knows how to pleasure himself, what am I there for?” Really? You see your sole purpose in life as, um, receptacle? Even in a world of finite and inelastic orgasms, a zero come game as it were, if your husband were selfishly using up all of his on himself do you have nothing else to offer? She sounds like a real prize.
    So much stupid. I’ve already given this more thought than I ought to have and I feel my intelligence trickling away even as I type thiblarg harg harg hurf

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  10. joejoejoe says:

    I can’t believe Delaware gets two votes in the Senate. Our system is so dumb. There might be a silver lining in this dog’s breakfast of an election if one of these Tea Baggers wins a Senate seat. Everybody knows those bug fuckers won’t let you turn the lights on without filibustering so it may just force Joe Biden to go gavel in some new rules (like say…simple democracy) for that outhouse that Harry Reid runs.

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  11. pansypoo says:

    no wonder the party is running away from her. NO, NOT THAT TEABAGGER!!!
    sorrysorrysorry. oops.

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  12. Robert Earle says:

    OT for Athenae – It was announced this morning (?) that last month Edwin Newman died, of pneumonia.
    http://www.latimes.com/entertainment/news/wire/sns-ap-us-obit-newman,0,477609.story

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  13. veronica says:

    Mostly, it makes me wonder if she’s capable of adult love. Apparently, that whole “I love you so much I need you buried inside me/need to be buried inside you” thing, kinda gets by her. How out of touch with genuine human emotion do you need to be to think that the kind of sex a happy, committed and experienced couple has could satisfyingly be replaced with masturbation?
    This is one of the places where the right inevitably reveals their mental illness.

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  14. She probably is against cuddling, too – it’s a sort of intimacy that would bypass her grasp as well – as in her view – only copulation for womb-filling is acceptable.
    O’Donnell – LOVE ‘thyself’, you will open the floodgates of passion and understanding…or at least be able to sleep REALLY well w/o Nyquil & mittens.
    I swear, I’m in a mood to send her a vibrator w/a tag saying “Touch ME! – fondly, your cobwebbed, dusty Vagina” Maybe include a book on fingering the lil’ man in a boat (and I DON’T mean the Tidy Bowl Man).
    It’s not evil, it’s not bad – it’s HUMAN. (hell, it’s fun!)

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  15. joejoejoe says:

    Do you think if Chris Coons adopted ‘I Touch Myself’ by The Divinyls as his campaign song it would cost him or gain him votes?

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  16. Adrastos says:

    Glad you’re on the beatoff beat too, A. As far as I’m concerned it’s malakatude pure and simple.

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  17. hoppy says:

    Is this what is known as a terminal case of penis envy? Ha! ha! I have a toy you don’t!
    Read about her lawsuit against her former employer for demoting her if you want to see just how deranged she really is.

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  18. pansypoo says:

    elders must have made her insane. wait, she already is…

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  19. jawbone says:

    Can’t see the Facebook page without logging in. Is it worth telling us about?

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