We here at First Draft were ahead of the curve on the Brett Favre sexting kerfuffle. I’m not proud of it but who among us does not enjoy a good, or even mediocre, dick joke? I should probably have more class than to pile on now that everyone is snickering about it but I don’t. You can stick that in your cheesehead hat and smoke it or is that stroke it?
Anyhoo, in the spirit of helpfulness for which I am known, I would like to suggest a theme song for Mr. Favre in his time of woe. A good scandal calls for a great theme song and this one is a doozy. It’s the only lyric that I’m aware of that rhymes tight red sweater with Eddie Vedder:
Oh, my baby, my baby she don’t want me no more
Ever since she saw his poster in that record store
She says the way he grinds his molars is really sexy
She thinks he’s so darn dysfunctional and “Generation X”y
She likes his brooding angst and his wild-eyed stare
Yeah, he’s her very favorite slacker multi-millionaire
Well, my baby’s in love with Eddie Vedder
She’s all crazy ’bout that Eddie Vedder
Once she was mine, but now I better just forget her
‘Cause my baby’s in love with Eddie Vedder
Now, every time I see him, well, he looks so grim
I guess it really must suck to be a rock star like him
What a pain in the butt to have so much success
Spending all his time moping and avoiding the press
But my girl can’t get enough of his sullen demeanor
Like he’s some big tortured genius, and I’m some kinda wiener
Well, my baby’s in love with Eddie Vedder
She’s got a thing for that Eddie Vedder
Tell me, what can he do that I can’t do better
Now my baby’s in love with
I said I said I said my baby’s in love with Eddie Vedder
Head over heels for that Eddie Vedder
I cant believe it, now she’s knitting him a sweater
‘Cause my baby’s in love with Eddie Vedder
I knew we were headin’ for disaster
When she caught me hangin’ out at the Ticketmaster
Now she’s got an unrequited adoration
For the frustrated, agitated, designated alienated
Spokesman for the disaffected grunge generation
Well, I don’t wear Doc Martens and I don’t wear flannel
And I don’t boycott the music video channel
And I just can’t compete with all that money and fame
But I know two can play at this kind of game
Yeah, well, let’s just see how jealous she’ll get
When I start stalking Alanis Morissette
Well, my baby’s in love with Eddie Vedder
She’s all crazy ’bout that Eddie Vedder
Once she was mine but now I better just forget her
‘Cause my baby’s in love with
I said I said I said my baby’s in love with Eddie Vedder
Why’d she have to fall for that Eddie Vedder
If she wants to leave me, I guess I better let her
‘Cause my baby’s in love with Eddie Vedder
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0eXyDp__hzo&fs=1&hl=en_US%5D
Brett Favre a cheesehead? I shall soon send you a sternly worded e-mail.
Actually, after this Vikings season (sigh) we may want to disclaim him, in which case, never mind.