Just Remember

And you got it.

Well, America, enjoy. Now we’ll have two years of dumb-fuck investigations of why the President hasn’t quit smoking yet, lots of vetoes, and one ginned-up impeachment.

Personally, I can’t wait for the huge spending cuts that will balance the budget. Of course, you can’t touch Medicare or Social Security, because the teabaggers don’t want that. And you can’t cut the military, because then the terrorists will win and re-elect Democrats. You can’t raise taxes, either, because that’s socialism, and that’s clearly what the electorate rejected last night.

But that’s not a problem, right? We can just cut out all of those bloated-ass welfare programs that are giving our lazy poor people bloated asses, right? And we can eliminate all the foreign aid (except for Israel!) that we know is just being wasted on places like France. We don’t need a Department of Education, either, so let’s get rid of that! That should leave us room for a nice, healthy tax cut, right?

You win again, reality.

Yeah, that’s a comparison of estimated federal receipts to expenditures for FY 2010. Not that you heard this from anyone during the campaign, especially not the fucking liberal media, but if you could cut out all of the discretionary spending for the year–including the entire fucking Department of Defense budget–that would balance the federal budget. Unless you raise taxes, that’s the only way to do it. Now, of course, you can’t touch the Pentagon’s money. If you cut that even by a penny, you’re not supporting the troops, and you might as well hand the launch codes right to Osama bin Laden. So let’s leave in the $664 billion for the DoD. Oh, and the $43 billion for Homeland Security. Can’t touch that, either. And the $24 billion for DoJ–can’t be soft on crime! Let’s just cut out those pussy things like education, the EPA, Interior, Commerce, Agriculture, and the VA (It’s an all-volunteer military, amirite? Why keep coddling those non-producers after they’re out of the service?). Okay. You’re still half a trillion dollars in the red. That’s right. Oh, but I’m sure a tax cut will make that up. But only a tax cut on the rich. That way, they’ll create jobs for the underpants gnomes, or whatever that stupid supply-side religion says.

Pictured: Economic theory

You know, they say that people get the government they deserve. If that’s true, America is filled to the brim with rotten motherfuckers. Now, I don’t remember driving that bus full of special needs children into the alligator pit while knife-punching baby bald eagles, butsomebody must have done it.

Well, Republicans, you’ve got the House of Representatives. If you don’t enact your entire agenda in 12 months, we can only conclude that you’ve failed miserably, and that you should be voted out of office in 2012.

6 thoughts on “Just Remember

  1. “…and that you shouldbe voted out of officebe bused to the alligator pit in 2012.”

  2. I forgot about the underpants gnomes, but that’s appropriate here. I listened to Governor Good Hair last night and his Lt. Gov. Barbie and heard about how “Wisconsin is Open For BUSINESS!” about 9.5 million times. It reminds me of the Eddie Murphy routine about how guys he knew kept saying, “I wouldn’t have been a fucking slave. Fuck that shit.” and how Murphy said, “It’s not like they wanted to do that shit. I’m sure the first guy who got off the boat said, ‘suck my dick’ before 10 fuckers with whips beat the shit out of him.”
    It’s not like the Democrats were sitting back going, “Hmmm… Jobs for people… Uh… Yeah, fuck it…” If we could create jobs just by thinking about it, I could grow hair just by wishing it were true.
    We were always open for business Governor Good Hair. Let’s see how you do with the store.
    And Jude, awesome choice for the song. I feel me some Johnny today…

  3. Well, I don’t know about”rotten motherfuckers.” But I think the American attitude toward taxes and government financing, as has just been demonstrated, is best illustrated by a Persian saying: “Better the lie that pleases than the truth that hurts.”
    And besides, all that financial stuff is much more boring than “Dancing With The Stars.”

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