Romney Comes to Save Our Souls

Mitt Romney, everybody:

President Obama’s view of capitalism is to send your money to his friends’ companies. My vision for free enterprise is to return entrepreneurship to the genius and creativity of the American people.

I want to give your money to MY friends! And then ruin their companies and steal it back from them!

This campaign is about more than replacing a President. It is about saving the soul of America.


Wait, wrong cult.

Like his colleagues in the faculty lounge who think they know better, President Obama demonizes and denigrates almost every sector of our economy.

Faculty. Education is for the homosexuals and ladies among us. I scratch myself in the general direction of the tenure committee!

President Obama believes America’s role as leader in the world is a thing of the past. He is intent on shrinking our military capacity at a time when the world faces rising threats. I will insist on a military so powerful no one would ever think of challenging it.

I will stand at the border with Canada yelling OH YEAH WHO FUCKIN’ WANTS SOME HUH while the Mounties and the moose look on confusedly.

President Obama has adopted a strategy of appeasement and apology. I will stand with our friends and speak out for those seeking freedom.

Like Osama bin Laden, who Obama apologized for killing, before he buried him with full Sharia law honors in Arlington.

Our plans protect freedom and opportunity, and our blueprint is the Constitution of the United States.

You are three-fifths of a person, and anyway cannot vote!

The path I lay out is not one paved with ever increasing government checks and cradle-to-grave assurances that government will always be the solution.

Government under my presidency will always be the problem!

I’m asking each of you to remember how special it is to be an American.

I want you to remember what it was like to be hopeful and excited about the future, not to dread each new headline.

I want you to remember when you spent more time dreaming about where to send your kids to college than wondering how to make it to the next paycheck.

I want you to remember when you weren’t afraid to look at your retirement savings or the price at the pump.

I’m asking you to remember when you were five, and Dad was going to slay the monsters under your bed. I am Dad, and government is paying the monsters in T-bone steaks and organic mushrooms, and I will defund those monsters, little sport. I will do it for America.

I want you to remember when our White House reflected the best of who we are, not the worst of what Europe has become.

Did a mime refuse to breastfeed Romney as a baby or something?


This election, let’s fight for the America we love. We believe in America.

White America. Where people vaccuumed in heels and called their children “the Beaver.” Let’s get back to that, amirite fellas?



10 thoughts on “Romney Comes to Save Our Souls

  1. Did a mime refuse to breastfeed Romney as a baby or something?
    I love you.

  2. Hardly original for me to say this, but if Romney gets the nomination, the repubs have furnished Obama with ample material to ask Romney about – including being the rich investor who buys a company and fires everybody, sops up all the available riches, and then deserts the company in a weakened state. (The MBA mantra of the 80s).
    Some are noting that it is best for Romney for the repub nomination not to be locked up until as late as possible. As soon as the nomination is locked up, then the time taken up by the glamour mags of Newt vs Romney vs. whoever will shift and be totally dedicated to the comparison of Obama and Romney.

  3. “Did a mime refuse to breastfeed Romney as a baby or something?”
    Ms. A brings on the snark missile – target destroyed.

  4. President Obama demonizes and denigrates almost every sector of our economy.
    Says the man who wrote, “Let Detroit go bankrupt.”

  5. WTF is it with these goddamned Republicans and Europe? Don’t they vacation there? Don’t some of them even own vacation homes there. Didn’t Mitt Fucking Romney go to Fucking France–Provence, no less–FOR HIS FUCKING MISSION? I am guessing he was pretty pleased when he got that assignment versus, oh, I don’t know, Liberia?

  6. You know what they say on the interwebs about people who tell you what you think in order to tell you how wrong you are to think it? TROLL ALERT!
    Also may I just say that I remember when “cradle to grave” care for the citizens of the US was considered a good thing.

  7. What is amazing is the amount of empty platitudes and pablum that statement contains. As far as I can tell, he articulates ZERO policies or plans.
    He will insist on growing the military?
    He will speak out for those seeking freedom? (As long as it’s the right kind of freedom, naturally; the freedom to be white, rich, preferably male, and some denomination of Christianity shall not be infringed!)
    He wants you to remember how FUCKING AWESOME it was to be America in the past. (Never mind that it wasn’t FUCKING AWESOME for those unable to exercise the freedom to be white, rich, preferably male, and some denomination of Christianity.)
    Hell’s bells, he can do all of thatNOW. Especially since, as a white, rich, Christian(ish) man he can get people to listen to him far easier than I can. Why do we need to elect him to be President?

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