Crack Van Tonight

Presidential debate edition, so get your asses in here starting around 7:30 PM CST. Here’s howuber-serious journalism covers this bitch:

Obama and the four-corners offense:Remember the days before there was a shot clock in college basketball? The team that led late in the second half just held on to the ball, milking the clock and draining any hope of a comeback from their opponents.

Go back and watch Obama’s debate performance in 2008 againstSen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) and you will see a candidate who knows he’s ahead and just wants to make sure he holds on to the ball.

Try to think of a genuinely memorable moment from the three Obama-McCain debates. You’ll be hard-pressed to do it — and that’s a testament to Obama’s ability to execute his four-corners strategy. He came across as serious and sober about the nation’s problems, but also left almost no opening for McCain to leap in and steal the ball from him.

You can’t remember anything memorable! And I certainly am not in any position to remind you of anything, because that is not my job. My job is to report on what you can expect from the debate, and apparently what you can expect is Barack Obama’s wicked jump shot. Also a lot of blathering about Mitt Romney’s “comfort zone” and how he really would be more at home in a cozy sweater with a mug of cocoa, because these things take exactly zero knowledge to write about. And zero knowledge is my ZONE, baby.

Speaking of idiot campaign coverage, if you go read that story tere’s also something called the “Social Mention Index,” which totals up how many times Obama, Romney, Biden and Ryan are mentioned on social media. And then it gives you those totals. In numbers. Right there on your screen.

That, by itself, means lots of things. And I’m sure we will get around to telling you what those things are, once we’re done with our basketball metaphors.


8 thoughts on “Crack Van Tonight

  1. A memorable moment. Let’s set the scene. Grumpy McWalnuts is talking to his bestest buddy, not-Joe the not-Plumber:
    MCCAIN: Now, Joe, . . . if you’re out there, my friend, and you’ve got employees, and you’ve got kids, if you don’t get — adopt the health care plan that Senator Obama mandates, he’s going to fine you. Now, Senator Obama, I’d like — still like to know what that fine is going to be, and I don’t think that Joe right now wants to pay a fine when he is seeing such difficult times in America’s economy.
    . . . OBAMA: I just described what my plan is. And I’m happy to talk to you, Joe, too, if you’re out there. Here’s your fine — zero. You won’t pay a fine, because…
    MCCAIN: Zero?
    OBAMA: Zero, because as I said in our last debate and I’ll repeat, John, I exempt small businesses from the requirement for large businesses that can afford to provide health care to their employees, but are not doing it. I exempt small businesses from having to pay into a kitty. But large businesses that can afford it, we’ve got a choice. Either they provide health insurance to their employees or somebody has to.
    Grumpy forgot, you never ask a question that you don’t know the answer to.

  2. All of this Mitt’s-gonna-provide-zingers bullcrapola is FURTHER proof that he doesn’t want to lead a country, he just wants to be the boss of more people he can look down upon from the uppermost reaches of his car elevator.
    Mitt – this is a PRESIDENTIAL debate, NOT “Make Me Laugh”…but you are MORE than welcome to put a brown bag on your head and be the “Unknown Elitist Asshole”.
    Zingers are for comedy geniuses (you are not) and for a quick road-trip sugar rush.
    They think campaigning is ‘hard’…?!?!? Bitches, please.

  3. I remember McCain using derisive air quotes around the phrase “the health of the mother.” Grrrr.

  4. Reading shoty’s comment, it is probably impossible to clarify the terminology at this point after decades of intentionally blurring the meaning of words.
    But if I could get one thing from the debate, if Obama can clarify
    that Healthcare financing reform is not “Obama Care” and even patterned after Romney (and for that matter, one of the most prosperous countries is the county that scores tops on science knowledge and has the full health coverage of Finland);
    “small business” isn’t based on the size of the business but on who owns it;

  5. Me thinks that the author of the link to be a little self-inflated.
    But you floor me with the “Social Mention Index”. And this in the wake of the Birthers followed by the recent article on Truthers claimning the polls are intentionally manipulated.
    To question the polls that are rigorously designed (but could still yield false results due to the skewing of who answers the polls, are they answering truthfully, and are they representative of those who actually cast a ballot). BUT PUT ANY FAITH OF VALIDITY IN WHO GETS MENTIONED THE MOST????!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
    We all know folks on both sides of the aisle who mention their candidate incessantly.
    I at least hope they were smart enough to note the context of the mention. Otherwise, Obama is a shoe in as the repubs are on autoplay about everything being the fault of Obama this and Obama that.

  6. I can’t make the Crack Van tonight, as I have a prior commitment. Bummer! Have a good time, and keep the snark coming fast and furious!

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