I’ve occasionally done malakatude updates in the past. This election season’s crop of malakas was so bountiful that I’m taking another shot at them. They’re not the only “honorees” to run for office but they’re the biggest losers. They’re all men and they’re all Republicans.
The featured image is arranged in the order in which these losers were crowned with the malakatude crown of thorns. The same goes for the text.
We begin in New Jersey.
Tom Kean Jr. was named malaka of the week on 6/24/2026. Kean was crowned for going AWOL from Congress for 12+ weeks. Make that AWOE: Absent without explanation. He turned out to have a valid reason: severe depression. But voters have a funny habit of wanting their Congressperson on the job. Go figure.
As the scion of a moderate Republican family in a blue state, Kean was always at the top of House Democrats’ hit list. He won his primary but was defeated in the general election by Rebecca Bennett 57-43%
Fuck off, Junior.
Mike Lindell is one of the most notorious election deniers in the country. He’s better known as the My Pillow Guy. He was anointed malaka of the week on 7/21/2026.
Lindell ran for governor of Minnesota. He lost in the Republican primary to Lisa Demuth 44-32%. She went on to be clobbered by Amy Klobuchar in the general election. Lindell claimed election fraud but refused to pay for a recount. He’s still whining about his loss.
Fuck off, Pillow Guy.
Victor Marx was the Republican gubernatorial nominee in Colorado. He was named malaka of the week on 8/6/2026. Marx puts the goober in gubernatorial and the maggot in MAGA. He lost in the general election to Democrat Phil Wiser 61-33%.
Marx is a gun nut who claims to have killed somebody when he was a child. My tagline for the OG post is worth repeating: “Meet Manly Malaka Marx who resembles the Brawny Man. He lies so much that he’s Donald Trump in a flannel shirt.”
Not bad if I say so myself and I do.
Fuck off, Victor.
Brandon Herrera was mocked for his egregious malakatude on 8/13/2026. He was the Republican nominee for the 23rd Congressional district in Texas. He lost to Kelly Padilla Stout 52-43%.
Herrera is a loathsome misogynist who calls himself the AK Guy and refers to babies as “cum trophies.” I am not making this up.
Fuck off, Brandon.
Bo French became malaka of the week on 9/29/2026. He was the Republican nominee for the Texas Railroad Commission. It’s a technocratic position; instead, French focused on anti-South Asian Pacific bigotry. He was defeated by Democrat Jon Rosenthal 53-45% last Tuesday.
French was repudiated by the Bush wing of the Texas GOP. He was too stinky for Karl Rove DBA Turdblossom.
Fuck off, Bo.
Kansas Doctor Senator Roger Marshall is the biggest loser of our Six Pack. He was mocked for his greed and malakatude on 10/29/2026. He lost his reelection race to Democrat Adam Hamilton 51-46%. Marshall was the first Republican to lose a senatorial race since the Roosevelt landslide in 1932.
Marshall is a greedy bastard who sicced the law on OB-GYN patients late paying their bills for amounts as low as 80 bucks. That’s why I called him a loan shark with a stethoscope. The medical malakatude, it burns.
Fuck off, Roger.
The last word goes to Wilson Pickett: