Newspaper Company: We Are Sucking Just As Much As Expected!

Advance newspapers’ “president of local digital strategy,” Randy Siegel:

The continuing quality of our newspapers has translated into relatively strong circulation numbers. Although we have reduced the frequency of home delivery, we’re pleased that for the six-month period ending March 31, 2013, average circulation declines in our relaunched markets were in line with newspaper industry averages.

Cue the motherfuckin’ balloon drop, guys! Somebody get me a confetti gun. We are losing subscribers just as much as everybody else! Isn’t that fuckin’ awesome? WHOOO! Go team! I love losing only as much as we were expected to lose! It’s fuckin’ GREAT!

And there are new products EVERY MONTH:

We are investing heavily in product development. Advance Digital, our digital strategy team, is launching new products and platforms every month — including several new mobile and video initiatives — while improving the user experience and functionality of our websites.

“We keep throwing new shit out there in hopes you won’t notice our current stuff sucks! That always works!” Flail harder, man. You’re sure to hit something by accident one of these days.

We formed a new digital marketing group, Advance Visibility, to help support our local sales efforts while expanding our strategic partnerships with Google and Microsoft. Earlier this month, Advance Digital was honored with the 2013 Microsoft Digital Marketing Partner of the Year Award, a global competition “demonstrating excellence in innovation and implementation of customer solutions based on Microsoft technology.”

Microsoft gave you an award … for using their stuff adequately, and you are celebrating like it is a real thing. I can’t blame Microsoft here, their job is to put their name out there, but god damn, man, you work in marketing, think before you trip over your own dick to help them out.

And how does forming a new group help anybody? You hired some people and made a letterhead? What the hell does that do other than suck up money you could be putting into your newsroom?

At this early juncture, we are optimistic about the future as our readers and advertisers engage with digital media more than ever. They are doing this thanks to the near ubiquity of Internet access and high adoption rates of new mobile products and services from the likes of Apple, Samsung, Microsoft, Google and Nokia — not to mention the emergence of web-enabled “smart” TVs.

This Internet thing is really taking off! I can name some Internet type companies doing Internet stuff!

Jesus pad thai.

Of course the changes we have made have caused pain and disruption to many newspaper readers who had enjoyed seven days of home delivery for many years, and to loyal employees who were laid off.

Fuck ’em. It was either continue delivering the newspaper, or use the Internet intelligently to deliver the news. There was no way to do both those things.

We chose not to stand still or live in the past, and we are pushing forward as fast as we can.

We are choosing to screw our customers now, so that we may continue to screw them in the future! WIN THE MORNING! FREEEEEEEEDOM!