That Women Do This Lightly

I read stories like this after the Tiller murder, and they enraged me then, too:

I was really moved and amazed by the scene where you’re writing down a baby’s name, noting the family’s request for a memory box and a viewing, showing the little ink footprints. Do families often want to engage with their baby like this after an abortion? How many people are ready to—as you say—say hello to their baby at the same time that they’re telling it goodbye?

With fetal anomaly patients, we ask them right up front if they plan to hold their baby after it’s born. These patients, their emotional needs are so different from the ones who are looking at their pregnancy as an absolute disaster, who are just thinking, “Get it out of me, please, please, please.” Those patients—the maternal indications patients—they are not relating to their fetus as a baby, they’re relating to it as a problem.

But with a fetal indications patient—if she refers to it as her baby, I’ll refer to it as her baby. If she’s named the baby, I’ll use the baby’s name too. I would say that most of these patients do decide to see and hold their baby, although many of them have a hard time dealing with the idea at first. We’ll take remembrance photographs, we’ll give them a teddy bear, the footprints.I mean, imagine being six months pregnant and finding out your baby’s missing half its brain, and you’ve got this nursery you’ve painted at home, you’re so ready—I don’t want them to go home from the procedure with absolutely nothing to remember and honor the baby, and its birth.

Wow. You’ll say “birth”?

Yes. I try to mirror what will be the most consoling to the patient. In general, these patients—fetal indications—do talk about giving birth, so I’ll say that as well.

I think a lot of people who’ve never confronted this possibility, they think, why on earth would you ever wait that long? Why would you do this at 24 weeks? When you’ve felt like a mother for months now? Why would you do that?

There’s always a why, not that it’s anybody’s goddamn business but yours and your doctor’s, but there’s always a why. It’s easier not to think of women as people with rational thoughts in their heads when it comes to things like this, is all.


2 thoughts on “That Women Do This Lightly

  1. this is very hard. we invest so much in children. my uncles daughter had severe CP. both were older + she lived for 18 years. she passed last winter at xmas time. for them a mixed blessing. but all the $$ that was wasted. why can’t we accept a mercy death sooner? but then, they are special. they dealt w/ it. now is hard.
    but they should have gotten a retriever, not a lab.

  2. “Their emotional needs are so different . . .” Carve that on a large stone, read it, memorize it, internalize it. People are different, with different needs, different emotions, different ways of dealing with a shattering experience like this.
    And now, decide that right here and now, we aren’t going to pass a one-size-fits-all law that’s supposed to put everyone into the same space. And for controlling knuckleheads who want to dress up their oppressive natures in the language of religion by passing this sort of legislation: Fuck you. No, and really: Fuck you.

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