Who should we send to Sochi?

German President Joachim Gauk will not be gawking at the Sochi Olympics next year. Did I say gawking? A pun, a weak one admittedly, but a pun nonetheless. In reality, he will not be leading the German delegation to protest Putania’s human rights record and all of those creepy bare chested pictures of Vlad doing manly shit. Keep your shirt on, Vlad and I mean that literally…

Nation states customarily send high ranking cats and kittens to wave the flag at the opening ceremonies. In 2012, FLOTUS led our delegation to woody old London. This time we should downgrade our representation because of Russia’s recently enacted anti-LGBT laws, and send Putin a message that is not named Edward Snowden…

In the spirit of helpfulness for which I am famous, I considered suggesting Speaker Boner since he’s technically a high ranking guvmint official but is actually a big orange joke. Instead, I think we should combine protest and parody by sending some outstanding gay Americans to represent the US and A. I hereby nominate <drum roll> the Fab Five. No, not the Michigan hoops team that shoulda won the national championship, I mean these guys:


Yeah, I know Queer Eye is a bit dated, but watching their recent 10th anniversary special reminded me of what amazing chemistry these guys have. Just imagine Carson going through Putin’s clothes and mocking Vlad’s butchest outfits. Ted could give him cooking tips, Kyan could teach him how to use a tongue scraper, Thom could paint the Kremlin red, and Jai could do whatever the hell does. It’s a winner I tell ya, and if Vlad doesn’t like it, Ted could tell him that he’s been chopped...

One thought on “Who should we send to Sochi?

  1. Athenae says:

    Let’s send Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld. They can get arrested.

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