We are going to painstakingly explain a thing to you that is happening entirely so that we will explain it to you, without ever even once letting on that this is the case:

AUSTIN, Texas (AP) — The latest scion of one of America’s most powerful political dynasties is trying to convince voters he’s something other than what his famous surname suggests.

George P. Bush, the 37-year-old grandson of one former president and nephew of another, is launching his political career by running for Texas’ little-known but powerful land commissioner post.

But rather than campaigning on the mainstream Republicanism embodied by the family name, Bush says he’s “a movement conservative” more in line with the tea party.

You know why Kids Today read the bloggers and watch The Daily Show and trust what they find out online? Because 90 percent of the time they’re reading HERE IS SOME BULLSHIT WHICH IS BULLSHIT, as opposed to this crap, where we’re supposed to take seriously the idea that a Bush won’t take advantage of being a Bush in national politics.

Those close to the Bushes shrugged off any suggestion that some family members might be irked to see George P. distancing himself from the clan.

“The only thing the Bush family cares about is that George P. follow his convictions, whatever they are,” said Mark McKinnon, a GOP strategist and former advisor to George W. Bush’s presidential campaigns.

Karen Hughes, a former spokeswoman and diplomat for the George W. Bush White House, said any candidate runs “based on his or her fundamental values and priorities, and that is true regardless of your last name.”

Those close to the Bushes, including several people complicit in war crimes and several others who should just never be listened to about anything ever again, say that the Bushes are fantastical and great, and that people would TOTALLY listen to this guy if his last name was Robertson and he was never related to anyone important.

A.