He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Bro

I like Bill Simmons. I like his writing. I like Grantland. He’s a funny dude. But his suspension by ESPN doesn’t have me storming the Bastille or climbing the ramparts. The twitterati are assembling with their version of torches and pitchforks, a hashtag: #FreeBillSimmons.

I agree that ESPN is hypocritical for putting their very own bro into the deep freeze for 3 weeks for saying the same shit that others on the network have said about Roger Goodell. Keith Olbermann and Bob Ley, come on down. I agree that Roger Goodell is lying like a rug and should be ousted, BUT even a bro should know that if you dare your bosses to come after you, they will. Here’s a transcript of what Simbro said:

I just think not enough is being made out of the fact that they knew about the tape, and they knew what was on it. Goodell, if he didn’t know what was on that tape, he’s a liar. I’m just saying it. He is lying. I think that dude is lying, if you put him up on a lie detector test that guy would fail. And for all these people to pretend they didn’t know is such fucking bullshit. It really is—it’s such fucking bullshit. And for him to go in that press conference and pretend otherwise, I was so insulted.

Here’s the really brotastic part wherein Simmons like threw down the gauntlet, dude:

I really hope somebody calls me or emails me and says I’m in trouble for anything I say about Roger Goodell. Because if one person says that to me, I’m going public. You leave me alone. The commissioner’s a liar and I get to talk about that on my podcast. Thank you. … Please call me and say I’m in trouble. I dare you.

This is a classic case of a highly-paid employee acting like they own the company. Wrong. Simmons has gotten his own way since joining ESPN and he obviously made some enemies along the line. They pounced on this challenge and he was suspended. Was it fair? Hell, no. It’s called real life.

It wasn’t the language Simbro used that led to his brospension, it was the challenge to the suits. Notice, however, that he was suspended, not fired, and that he will be back in time for the NBA season. Hoops are Bill’s speciality. The suits may be mad at Bill for calling their sad faced little friend a liar but they’re not stupid, they need him on the job during basketball season. After all, he talks less trash than Charles Barkely and has better hair. Actually, he *has* hair and Chuck does not.

The post title was inspired by a brilliant, and hilariously funny, piece by Jeb Lund  in the Guardian. I hereby declare this the headline of the week:

ESPN created a bro-monster. Of course the NFL-pocalypse turned Bill Simmons against them

Lund’s piece is *almost* as funny as Simmons’ two-parter about the 2013 NBA offseason wherein he riffed on the 1988 movie classic Midnight Run. As someone who specializes in weaving unrelated materials and jokes into a whole, I tip my hat to Billbro. Maybe I shouldn’t call him that. It conjures up images of the ultra-racist, rabble rousing, segregationist Senator and Mississippi Governor Theodore Bilbo. He was no Charles Grodin…

Since I’m an inveterate punster with the Hollies on my mind, I’ll give them the last word: