L: Fetus, we are here today to decide whether 13-year-old Jessica has the right to abort you. Do you have an opinion on the matter?
F: Uh, yes I have an opinion! I mean, this whole case is about me after all, right? Not some teenager, amiright?
L: Ha! You are 100% correct, my friend.
F: Right. So, you want to know if I think she should abort me?
F: Yes, she has a right to abort me. Come on, man! The girl is 13! I don’t mean to share secrets here, but she still sleeps with a stuffed elephant she calls Mr. Trunksalot. And you want her to have me? Please.
Except, being that this is fucking Alabama, it’s really not funny:
In this special kind of wrong, the court may call witnesses such as the girl’s friends, teachers, or neighbors to testify about her character, so that a judge can decide whether or not she deserves the right to have an abortion.
I used to have a neighbor who sold weed and threw his trash out the window. I’m just saying.
I ask my neighbors for stuff like “more wine” and “can I borrow back the key I gave you, I locked my dumb ass out of my own house” and to watch the ferrets while we’re gone for a weekend. I am trying to think of which neighbor I would ask to come to court to tell a judge whether I “deserved” an abortion. I don’t think any of them would appreciate it.