Adrastos, Film, Music

AHS Freak Show Thread: The U.S. Steel Of Murder

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I’m not a cupcake fan but Pink Cupcakes can be cute, unless, that is, they’re baked and injected by Stanley the con man. Those cupcakes were meant to be lethal but things didn’t go as planned. It did, however, provide a swell title for the latest installment of American Horror Story: Freak Show.

I’m going to try something completely different with this recap. I’m going to channel Buzzfeed and give you a listicle of sorts. My goal is to be short and pithy and not write 1000 words this time. Let’s see how it goes after the break.

TEN THINGS I LEARNED FROM WATCHING EPISODE FIVE:

1) Stanley thinks that girls like pink cupcakes. Dour Dot disagrees thereby saving the Tattler twins from the poisoned treats. It was just another ineffectual lethal injection. Hmm, I wonder if Stanley is really an Okie…

2) Esmerelda is in love with Jimmy Darling but won’t let the poor bastard kiss her. That makes the Darling Lobster Boy boiling mad. It beats the hell out of being lobster rolled.

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3) Florida crackers do not like futuristic David Bowie tunes. And according to Esmerelda the only thing they hate more than freaks are poofs. Stanley beware.

4) Elsa Mars is a teevee snob until she’s booed off the stage for singing Life On Mars. She changes her tune but is so jealous of the Tattler Twins that she packs them off to Crazy Mott Manor at the end of the episode. I keep waiting for them to use a Mott The Hoople song. Marionette would be a good choice:

5. Ma Mott may be nuttier than pecan pie but she knows that Dandy is a second generation serial killer. She does not, however, realize that he’s the next Montgomery Clift. Neither did George Stevens…

6. Desiree Three Tits is not a hermaphrodite, she just has “extra large lady parts.” Del the strong man is violently against any surgery and breaks the fingers of the nicest surgeon in the world.

7. Del has a strong manly attraction to other men. The rent boy he’s mad about is snuffed by Dandy at Twisty’s caravan of horrors.

8. Dandy is an inbred lunatic whose goal is to be the U.S. Steel of murder. It’s unclear if he plans to unionize.

9. Bette loves Dinah Shore but the late Ma Tattler wouldn’t let her listen to her records because she thought Dinah was “high yellow.” I don’t know about that but she and Der Bingle could swing a tune:

10. There’s a gay bar in Jupiter with a jukebox that goes all anachronistic and plays Bryan Ferry’s Slave To Love. I’ll give Bryan the last word: