Please Welcome Back to the Stage… SCOTT WALKER!

Everyone from Steven Colbert to the local radio DJs has been enjoying the recent withdraw of Scott Walker from the presidential race. Perhaps the best one was Seth Meyers’ recent poke in which he noted that Walker’s next job would be as the photo in the dictionary next to the word “duuuuuhhhhh.”

Walker, however, had a different job in mind: Coming back to Wisconsin to continue fucking up this great state. However, to try to garner more support and to convince people he wasn’t just a shitty bobble head programmed to say only three phrases, he’s working on his new comedy act, “Down the Shitter in 70 Days.” Here’s a brief look:

“Hey everyone! It’s great to be back here in Wisconsin… (Waits for applause… Waits for Trump to interrupt him… Remembers he’s not a presidential candidate anymore.) Yeah! Wisconsin!

Sorry I haven’t been around as much. I was trying to figure out how to build a wall across our Canadian border. I mean, we can’t be too careful, right? We don’t want all our kids growing up saying “aboot” all the time. Like Sarah Palin says, we need people who come to America to talk American!

Seriously, though, I’m back for good this time! Like I said when I ran for governor the second time, there’s nothing more important to me than being governor of this state. I didn’t plan to run for president… It just sort of happened… Right? Like an unplanned pregnancy! I tried to hold an aspirin between my knees to avoid running for president, but darned if it didn’t work.

But don’t you worry! My campaign will be the last thing aborted in this state thanks to our efforts to shut down Planned Parenthood…

(A heckler shouts out: “You’re just jealous!”)

“Of what, sir?”

(“That abortions make up 3 percent of Planned Parenthood’s services. Abortions are polling higher than you!”)

“Donald Trump, everyone! Thanks for taking the time, Don, to visit this loozah… (Performs the awkward Trump/Ben Carson high five for the camera. People applaud when he misses…)

“Anyway, while we’re trying to secure more protections for the unborn, we’re trying to take away protections from everyone else. My fellow Republicans at the State House are working on eliminating the civil service protections that keep cronies out of plum jobs around the state. Now, people are saying I’m doing this so I can give out free jobs to people that I owe big money to, but that’s not the case. It’s because the civil service exam involves two things I can’t stand: Passing exams and answering questions.

Besides, this whole thing is rife with corruption…

(Someone in the back yells out “YEAH!”)

“No, no, no, sir. Not the good kind… It’s the kind that leads to people who are incompetent being put into jobs they don’t know how to do, thus creating disaster and chaos. There’s only one way that should happen and it’s called the electoral process…

“And speaking of not knowing what was going on, I’d like to offer a serious note here to all the people who dissed me on the campaign trail for not understanding world politics. It’s not easy to get all involved in that stuff when you can’t see another country from your porch like Sarah Palin could. I did my best to reach out to others… like, any Muslims in the house tonight?”

(One guy claps, everyone else disengages the safeties from their concealed weapons…)

“Hey, guys, c’mon, relax! It’s cool and they’re all on holiday this week, so let me just say I’m sure Jesus loves them and he’ll be cool with them when they start acting right. Until then, let me offer you the blessing of your people by saying “Edie Brickell” to you and yours…

Speaking of Jesus, man, did he pull a flip-flop on me. First it was like, “Scott… Run for president… I’m calling you to do this…” Then he was all like, “Scott… drop out of the race… I’m calling you to do this…” Then he was like, “Scott… I need someone to pick up my dry cleaning… I’m calling you to do this…” Turns out, it wasn’t Jesus. It was just Charles Koch yelling at my through the heating vents in my house…

“Well, looks like it’s just about the end of my time, so I’m going to lead by clearing the stage for another funny guy who leads by failing… Please give it up for John Boehner!”

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