Malaka Of The Week: Bill Kristol

I just ran an internal search to see if a certain right-wing pundit/activist/propagandist had ever worn the malakatude crown of thorns. I found 40+ posts wherein he was mentioned or the target but none branding the Scarlet M on his smug mug. His time has finally arrived. And that is why neo-con ninny Bill Kristol is malaka of the week.

As a pundit, Kristol is known as the man who is *always* wrong in his prognostications. Before the invasion of Iraq, Kristol was among those who predicted coalition forces would be greeted as liberators and pelted with flowers. You know, the whole Iraq as Belgium delusion. Instead of rose petals, our troops were greeted with bombs. Good Belgian beer would have been preferable, but the Iraqis would have used the bottles for Molotov Cocktails, so scratch that thought.

Kristol’s *other* claims to fame included his time as J Danforth Quayle’s Vice-Presidential chief of staff and his  crucial role in bringing Sarah Palin to national attention. I could go on and on and on but I won’t because that’s what he does. Malaka K is a bloviating bore with a Bill Buckley complex. He wants to be Buckley but he can’t pull of the fake posh boy act as well as his hero. In short, Kristol is often wrong but rarely in doubt.

I’ve mockingly called him Nostrakristol more than a few times on the Tweeter Tube. He has even inspired a parody feed on Twitter: @KristolSports. That’s where Fake Bill Kristol gets shit wrong about sports:

There was briefly a Nostrakristol history feed but some of the Insult Comedian’s followers discovered that Malaka K is Jewish underneath his fake-WASP exterior:

That’s why we can’t have nice things in 2016.

That brings me to a recent teaser tweet that hyped the “success” of Malaka K’s much ballyhooed search for a conservative alternative to the Insult Comedian:

The tweet heard round the world landed with a leaden thud when Malaka K’s choice turned out to be David French. Who? That was my first thought too. I had to google the bugger. He turns out to be a National Review staff writer and former Romney staffer that nobody outside the wingnut intelligentsia in New York and Washington had ever heard of. He still hasn’t committed to be Kristol’s cat’s-paw as of this writing. The French non-story is Peak Kristol and perfectly sums up the haplessness and insularity of the so-called #NeverTrump cabal. David Fucking French. Oy just oy.

When Kristol’s fellow malaka, Mark Halperin at Bloomberg News, “broke” the French story; much merriment ensued on the Tweeter Tube. I immediately thought of the ancient CBS sitcom Family Affair, whereon a bachelor uncle and his butler take on the raising of three kids named Buffy, Jody, and Sissy. The butler was played by British actor Sebastian Cabot and his name was Mr. French:

Kristol meme

Others made French’s mustard jokes but I stuck to my Family Affair guns. Now that I think of it, Mean Mr. Mustard would be an excellent theme song for Don Donaldo, Il Comico Insulto’s campaign:

Such a mean old man, such a dirty old man.

Instead of a Beatles ditty that’s a fragment of the epic Abbey Road medley, there’s an old song that could broaden Mr. French’s appeal beyond sitcom nostalgists and Bill Kristol’s delusional mind:

It was a number one hit song back in 1972 and could appeal to people appalled by Trump’s racism and Gary Johnson’s nutty party. Of course, there’s the whole “Sly was a junkie who destroyed his career” thing but you gotta take the bitter with the sweet.

I’d like to thank Malaka K for bringing so much mirth to campaign 2016 with his oblivious tone deafness. And that is why Bill Kristol of the American Substandard is malaka of the week.

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