Today on Tommy T’s Obsession with Random Ruminations – “Four Stages” edition

The Stages Of Barbara’s Unemployment

I wrote this some years ago, when Barbara was unceremoniously dumped from her long-time job at SEI :

Stage 1 – Elation.

Sleeps late.

Gets dressed

Goes around the house singing “Ding Dong The Witch is Dead”.

Plays a lot of computer Mahjong.

 

Stage 2 – Catching up.

Gets up with me.

Gets dressed.

Starts cleaning house like the proverbial white tornado.

Washes and waxes pets.

Catalogues everything in house alphabetically.

Puts resume out.

Cleans house again.

Attempts to alphabetize firewood.

Calls all her old friends – as an afterthought, calls her brother.

Attempts to alphabetize pets – discovers that placing Bulldog next to Kingsford Kitty doesn’t work very well.

Looks for bandages.

Cooks dinner for me.

Click on the “read more” for the rest of the saga!

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Stage 3 – Apprehension.

Posts resume again.

Goes around house turning lights off.

Gets cable bill.

Gets phone bill.

Gets water bill.

Goes around house making sure taps aren’t dripping and tuns sprinklers off.

Gets electricity bill.

Turns main breaker off and hides in closet.

Turns electricity back on again long enough to post resume again.

Turns breakers back off and returns to closet.

I cook dinner.

 

Stage 3 – Panic

Wakes up at 3:30AM.

Puts on warm clothes and turns heat off.

Thinks about going to the store because we’re out of everything, but decides not to, because she’s almost out of gas.

Tests her email to see if it is actually working.

Beats animals for being hungry and whimpering

Posts resume again.

Calls all her old friends again, but by now they are watching their Caller ID, and refuse to pick up.

Posts resume again.

Starts calculating how much the furniture will fetch at a garage sale.

No dinner.

 

Stage 4 – Depression

Stays in pajamas all day.

Reads.

Pets are all dead from starvation.

I have started eating out to avoid her.

Accuses me of not loving her any more.

Screams at me for not washing my breakfast dish.

I take the slide and magazine out of the Glock and hide them.

 

Stage 5 –  Gets new job !!!

Goes shopping for all new wardrobe.

Has car washed.

Back to normal again – whew!

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3 thoughts on “Today on Tommy T’s Obsession with Random Ruminations – “Four Stages” edition

  1. MICHAEL D STOREY says:

    This is funny, but life is funny. You sound to have a funny, great marriage. My very best to you both.

  2. Ten Bears says:

    My experience has been Step 6: get rid of me. That it has happened several times is moot in the generally accepted vernacular, that it’s probably my own damned fault is beside the point.

    That canard “better to be the one that got away”? Louis L’Amour, nuff said?

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