Malaka Of The Week: Christopher Key

There’s so much crazy in the country right now that I can’t keep up. I completely missed the traveling freak show staged by an anti-Vax dipshit from Alabama named Christopher Key.  He toured the country threatening to “execute Democrat governors” with a flamethrower or one of the other weapons in his arsenal. He claims jurisdiction as the head of the Vaccine Police. I am not making this up.

Now Key is advocating a novel albeit gross cure for COVID. And that is why Christopher Key is malaka of the week.

Malaka Key provides his back story on his web site:

My name is Christopher Key, I have owned a health club called Steel City Fitness, which specialized in health and wellness, and co-owned SWATS, a company with its own controversy. I also started a company called Health Management Systems that utilized a device that measures body fat.

I have been on the cover of Sports Illustrated, and I helped professional athletes and the public without drugs, chemicals, and surgery until the government came and seized everything he owned and shut me down. This happened seven years ago.

I was recently fired from my job of six years for being a patriot and standing against a tyrannical school board in Alabama. Because of these efforts, the mask mandate was lifted, and kids will not have to provide proof of inoculation to return to in-person learning in the fall.

Fired for being a patriot? Is that a thing in Alabama? Who knew? Does dipshit Alabama Senator Tommy Tuberville know about this? All I have are questions.

In addition to making specious claims about the COVID vaccines as “bio-weapons” on his web site, Malaka Key hawks many products of dubious merit including deer antler spray and laetrile. The latter was a hot fake cancer cure back in the 1970’s. Deer antler spray apparently makes one virile but for who or what? I am not going there: every time I make an Aggie joke I get in trouble.

It’s time to reveal Christopher Key’s “cure for COVID” which is a disgusting as it is specious: DRINK YOUR OWN URINE. Again, I am not making this up.

The Daily Beast has been all over Kay’s malakatude quest so it’s only fitting to quote an entry from the Cheat Sheet:

“The antidote that we have seen now, and we have tons and tons of research, is urine therapy. OK, and I know to a lot of you this sounds crazy, but guys, God’s given us everything we need,” Key said in a video posted over the weekend on his Telegram account after being released from jail over a trespassing charge. “This has been around for centuries,” he added. “When I tell you this, please take it with a grain of salt,” the anti-vaccine advocate warned while saying people might now think he is “cray cray.” “Now drink urine!” he continued. “This vaccine is the worst bioweapon I have ever seen,” he concluded. “I drink my own urine!”

That’s going to be a tough sell: even Trumpers are unlikely to drink their own pee and they’re dumb enough to believe the BIG LIE.

Malaka Key has legal problems back home in Alabama:

Key appeared in front of Jefferson County District Judge Katrina Ross on Jan. 4 for an incident that happened last April.

Key was inside of the Whole Foods in Cahaba Village Plaza on U.S. 280 and refused to wear a mask.

Key was eventually asked to leave by the staff and after refusing to do so, was arrested and charged with third-degree trespassing.

A similar situation played out inside of the courtroom on Jan. 4, when he was asked to both wear a mask and stop recording inside of the courtroom.

Key’s insistence on documenting everything is best described as performative malakatude.

I wish that I could say that Malaka Key is a harmless crank but he’s a card-carrying member of the Threat Set. During his anti-Vax roadshow, Key posted a menacing Facebook video aimed at Walmart pharmacy workers in Springfield, Missouri:

The video shows Key and his group of about half-dozen supporters arriving at the pharmacy to find doors locks and the windows closed.

”You are being put on notice!” he shouted at the door as supporters filmed. “And if they give one more vaccine, as of this day after being put on notice, then they can be hung up. And they can be executed.
“What they’re doing here is they’re violating the Nuremberg Code, and if you allow one more shot to go into one more person’s body, you yourself can be executed,” he said in the video. “It’s a violation of the Nuremberg Code. I do this out of love, I’m not trying to give you any fear and intimidation. I’m just letting you guys know that if you continue to do this, that you guys will be held accountable.”
Key’s claims about the Nuremberg Code have been debunked. You can read more here.

I’ve read extensively about the Nuremberg trials; I can attest to the fact that Malaka Key doesn’t know what he’s talking about. It’s reminiscent of  Lara Logan’s comparison of Dr. Fauci to Nazi war criminal Dr. Mengele. She doesn’t know she’s talking about either, which is typical of the Dingbat Right.

I started off playing this feature for laughs but the more I read about Christopher Key, the more disturbed I became. Performative threats of violence often morph into the real thing, especially given Key’s traveling arsenal as seen in the featured image. Anti-Vaxxers love their weapons; most of which would be illegal in a more sensible country.

I am alarmed that First Draft and the “Vaccine Police” have something in common: we’re both on WordPress. I urge WordPress to take a closer look at the content of the “Vaccine Police” web site and remove it. Key is taking advantage of the user-friendly features of Word Press to advance his dubious, despicable, and dangerous agenda.

In 2020, then President* Pennwyise mused aloud about drinking bleach as a COVID cure. That opened the floodgates for all sorts of wild and dangerous “cures” including demon semen. I am not making this up. Christopher Key is just the latest nutjob to advocate a specious “cure” and he’s unlikely to be the last. And that is why Christopher Key is malaka of the week.

As I wrote this, I was reminded of a post I wrote last year about anti-CRT antics in Alabama: Stupid Fell On Alabama. The last word goes to Ella Fitzgerald & Louis Armstrong:

2 thoughts on “Malaka Of The Week: Christopher Key

  1. Drinking your own urine as a cure has been around for thousands of years, particularly as a part of ayurvedic nonsense. Remember Morarji Desai, the president of India, recommending it to Jimmy Carter. However, it won’t get the traction of other Covid nostrums because it is too difficult to monetize.

  2. I nearly worked Prime Minister Desai’s interview with Dan Rather on 60 Minutes into the post. I couldn’t find a clip of the look on Dan’s face when Desai mentioned pee drinking. Besides, it disrupted the flow.

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