Malaka Of The Week: Anthime Joseph Gionet

You’re probably wondering why the featured image is of a flambéed Baked Alaska. It’s the pseudonym used by Anthime Joseph Gionet who is a right-wing vlogger and Dipshit Insurrectionist. He’s a burly, hairy Alaskan with a French name whose plea deal went up in flames this week in federal court. And that is why Anthime Joseph Gionet DBA Baked Alaska is malaka of the week.

Baked Alaska is an old school dessert that’s rarely served in restaurants anymore. It consists of ice cream and cake topped by browned or flambéed meringue. It was once the height of dessert luxury. It was the sort of thing Don Draper might have ordered to impress a new mistress. 

We move from the sweet and yummy part of the post to the sour and stupid bit: the trials and tribulations of Anthime Joseph Gionet DBA Baked Alaska. Should I call him Malaka Anthime, Alaska, or Baked? Beats the hell outta me as does what national Anthime he sings…

Dipshit Insurrectionists tend to be stupid and mouthy. Malaka Alaska is no exception. I’ll let TPM’s Cristina Cabrera describe the defendant’s meltdown:

“Anthime Joseph Gionet — the far-right internet troll who goes by “Baked Alaska” and who livestreamed his break-in at the Capitol on Jan. 6 — claimed on Wednesday that he blew up his plea deal earlier that day because he was actually following God’s light and not accidentally tying himself to a lit rocket like Wile E. Coyote.

During his livestream on Wednesday, Gionet explained the holiness of him claiming innocence while simultaneously pleading guilty at his hearing — the very move that led the judge to put the brakes on the Gionet’s plea deal and set a trial instead.”

I feel sorry for this idiot’s lawyer. Defendants change their minds about copping a plea all the time but it’s usually not in court and never on God’s orders. It’s cute that this mook thinks God gives a shit about him.

Prosecutors denied that they or Jehovah pressured Malaka Gionet to plead guilty. The offer remains on the table for 60 days then this happens:

Self-immolation is never pretty. I’m waiting for Anthime Joseph Gionet DBA Baked Alaska to compare himself to martyred Buddhist monks who set themselves ablaze in Vietnam to protest the Diem dictatorship. The dictator’s sister-in-law Madame Nhu reacted as follows:

“When a Buddhist monk lit himself on fire in protest in the middle of the city, Nhu flippantly said he had been “barbecued” with “imported gasoline,” and offered to supply more fuel for other Buddhists and would stand by “and clap.”

It’s unlikely that ice cream cake man would make such a comparison. That would take knowledge and research; melting down is his forte.

Repeat after me: Self-immolation is never pretty. And that is why Anthime Joseph Gionet DBA Baked Alaska is malaka of the week.

The last word goes to Zachary Richard: