The Legal Docket: Document Storage Wars?

I have trash teevee on my mind this morning. I blame Trump’s legal team. It’s fitting since he used to star in one of the trashiest reality shows of all. I’d idly watched one season of The Apprentice before he ran for president but watched the even trashier Celebrity Apprentice, so our readers didn’t have to as his campaign revved up.

The Celebrity Apprentice showcased Trump’s shallowness, avarice, vanity, lechery, and stupidity. I have no idea why people thought it highlighted his so-called business savvy. Instead, it showed him interacting with various celebrities ranging from B-list to Z-list. I was more impressed with Kiss man Gene Simmons’ business acuity than Trump’s. I shuddered writing that because he’s as big a creep as the Impeached Insult Comedian.

That brings me to the featured image featuring the cast of the A&E reality show Storage Wars. For the uninitiated, it’s about people who bid on and buy abandoned storage lockers. There are a rowdy and often entertaining bunch who occasionally find some treasures amongst the abandoned shit.

I’ve been hate watching Storage Wars off and on since it debuted in 2010. For some reason, I find unbridled avarice in contained settings entertaining. Team Trump has driven me to many embarrassing admissions in the past seven years. This is the latest one.

I might as well come clean and admit to watching Gene Simmons’ Family Jewels. I am going to hell. All aboard:

It’s time to get to the point such as it is. In their latest filing in the stolen papers case before the corrupt federal judge in the corrupt state of Florida, Trump’s bad lawyers wrote this: 

“This investigation of the 45th President of the United States is both unprecedented and misguided. In what at its core is a document storage dispute that has spiraled out of control, the government wrongfully seeks to criminalize the possession by the 45th President of his own presidential and personal records.”

My eyes were rolling like Kandi Burruss at a Real Housewives Of Atlanta reunion as I read that:

Apparently, the illegal possession of nuclear secrets is no big whoop. There’s no dispute that Trump’s possession of documents from his presidency is illegal. DOJ has pledged to return any personal documents, but he thinks he’s king.

In other stupid Trump lawyer tricks, the inaptly named Jim Trusty likened the dispute to a failure to return an “overdue library book.” Do they have nuclear secrets in your trusty library Mr. Trusty? Where do they find these attorneys? It’s as if lawyer phone numbers are placed in random boxes of Cracker Jack as the prize. Make that booby prize.

Since I’m on the subject of stupid Trump lawyer tricks, the NYT had a fine piece about the fate of Trump’s mouthpieces. It led off with a joke that I’d heard Andrew Weismann crack on MSNBC:

A dark joke has begun circulating among lawyers following the many legal travails of former President Donald J. Trump: MAGA actually stands for “making attorneys get attorneys.”

Many Trump lawyers are in ethical and legal trouble. Lay people don’t quite understand how serious the legal community takes sanctions by state bar associations.  Losing one’s livelihood is some serious shit. Ask this guy:

Even Trump lawyers who colored within the lines face subpoenas from grand juries and the J6 committee. Many of these attorneys have turned against the former host of The Apprentice. Remember Ty Cobb and his exuberant mustache? He’s become a Trump antagonist:

A lawyer who served in the White House during Donald Trump’s administration said the ex-president is a “deeply wounded narcissist”, claiming that’s one of the two toxic traits that dictate his actions and decision making.


Ty Cobb, who stepped down in 2018 because of Trump’s disapproval of his “conciliatory” approach, also said Trump is “incapable of acting other than in his perceived self-interest or for revenge”.

Tell us something we didn’t already know, Ty. It’s time for you to do a family tree so we can confirm that you’re really related to this guy:

Lawyer Ty Cobb may not be able to hit a curveball, but he has a helluva mustache.

There’s a surfeit of Trumptastic legal news this week. I haven’t even gone into the Berman-Barr battle. I’ll get to that in my next legal docket post. I didn’t want to bury you in verbiage. Stay tuned.

Let’s circle back to the overdue library book thing. The last word goes to Frank Zappa: