Golden Bachelor Recap: You’re Askin’, I’m Tellin’

Episode 3 begins with the news that April, Susan, Kathy, and Nancy have formed an informal group that they call ASKN, as in their new motto:  “You’re askin’, we’re tellin’.” I love the 4 of them. Because the group is also a place for them to gossip, Kathy begins to discuss Theresa, but ends up just commenting on how petite Theresa is.

The first activity of the episode is the announcement of a group date for everyone—a talent show, off-site, with a live audience. Joan begins to freak out because she doesn’t think she has any talent. Former Bachelorette Kaitlyn Bristow comes in to judge, and the prize is, obviously, a date with Gerry.

Everyone found something they could do and some were great, like Sandra telling a joke with “big boobs” as the punchline (Kaitlyn says “spicy!”), or Ellen doing her middle school sex education script, complete with audience participation. I love Ellen.

Faith sings another Gerry-centric song, and Leslie, who d sadys she was a dancer for Prince, danced a piece that eventually got a bit risqué and things quickly got awkward and I’m not sure Gerry was cool with it.  She also baked cookies which was weird.

Poor worried Joan wrote a funny poem about being worried called “I just hope I don’t vomit on your shoes”, and delivered it with self-deprecating charm. I really like Joan and it was clear that she won the contest, and so she also won the date.

And because Leslie has forgotten that she’s part of a dating contest where the main character has romantic or sexual interactions with as many of the contestants as possible, she whines that she didn’t get picked. Leslie would benefit from a self-reflection practice led by April.

The dinner date is in a weird, haphazardly-decorated room, and they never eat during it. It’s weird because actually eating a meal with someone is an intimate act that can draw people closer, and it’s a dating contest, right?

In any case, Gerry and Joan have a great rapport, and Joan tells him about her daughter’s difficult delivery and how she took this opportunity to do this for herself. Gerry is super into her and Joan is one of my favorites, so you know that the daughter story is foreshadowing. And the next morning Joan’s daughter calls and needs her to come home and help. Ugh. UGH UGH UGH.

Joan tells the rest of the women and wishes them all well. At the same time Gerry is en route to the mansion all smiles and happiness and looking forward to building a relationship with Joan. Joan tells him she has to leave and Gerry is devastated. I’m actually sad for them, but let’s face it, this is a TV show and these couples are almost always only for show. So if it’s a real connection, then hopefully they can get together after the show airs.

Back in the mansion we meet Michael Costello, a fashion designer who Edith loves (and she’s very glamorous so I believe her) and Ellen is Gerry’s pick to get dolled up to go on a date. Gerry says he has processed Joan’s departure (I snickered because I realized he’d sucked me into his fantasy life with Joan) and he’d picked Ellen for the date so he could pamper her. Ellen is a very appealing person and she looks very pretty in gorgeous pink dress and a big smile.

Theresa says it’s hard to see him go on a date with someone else. Newsflash:  you’re on a dating show and not every woman has had a date yet. All y’all need to get over yourselves.

Gerry and Ellen talk about their wedding days and their early years of marriage. Gerry says he can be himself around her which I think is a pretty important thing. It’s tiring to have to keep up a façade and eventually you will have to drop it. He gave her a pair of earrings (an iconic moment so my reading tells me) and they take a hot air balloon ride.

Then the drama starts and it’s very fake. Kathy talks about people who overshare, and means Theresa, who she thinks is openly dismissive of her chances with Gerry. I agree with her on both points. Theresa shares details as if Kathy weren’t a fellow contestant.

April tries to help and pulls Theresa aside and says Kathy is heartbroken. Kathy tells Gerry tearfully people have been mean to her, but she doesn’t rat anyone out (and gets her rose which was of course her goal).

Kathy and Teresa have a heart to heart about how Theresa comes off, and it seemed to me that Theresa smirked through the whole thing. Theresa goes off to fake cry in a bedroom, where Faith finds her, and then Gerry finds them both and learns that Theresa is the source of the drama, which puts Gerry off (but don’t worry, Theresa still gets her rose). Gerry says he isn’t here for the drama and I rolled my eyes so hard it hurt. Dude, you’re on a reality dating competition. It’s all drama, all the time.

Christina (whom I recognize but know nothing about) and the glamorous Edith go home.

Theresa and Kathy try to be friends and Theresa tells her Gerry came to see her in her bedroom and Kathy goes off again. At this point I don’t like either of them. C’mon Kathy, don’t let her get to you.

This seems right: