I’ve been pondering nicknames for the new House Speaker. I’ve tried MAGA Mike and the Accidental Speaker. The first one sounds like a certain stripper film series. I, of course, slightly  prefer the second nickname because it’s esoteric and literary. It also coveys the fact that Mike Johnson is not ready for prime time:

“House Speaker Mike Johnson said Tuesday that before publicly releasing footage of the US Capitol attack on January 6, 2021, the faces of the mob will be blurred to protect them from the Justice Department.

The Louisiana Republican said during a news conference that he wants to make sure rioters don’t get prosecuted.

“We’re going through a methodical process of releasing them as quickly as we can,” Johnson said. “As you know, we have to blur some of the faces of persons who participated in events of that day because we don’t want them to be retaliated against and to be charged by the DOJ and to have other, you know, concerns and problems.”

Shorter MAGA Mike: The cover up continues.

Johnson’s comments prove what a dangerous dweeb he is. The Dipshit Insurrectionists are criminals, not tourists or political prisoners. Johnson’s lord and master the Kaiser of Chaos recently called them hostages. That’s atrocious even by his low standards since hostages are still being held by Hamas. Oy, just oy.

Johnson’s comments don’t quite rise to the level of making him an accessory after the fact, but it’s knocking on the door. The Accidental Speaker’s minions are already walking it back:

“In a statement posted online, Raj Shah, a spokesperson for Johnson, emphasized the speaker wants to blur faces “to prevent all forms of retaliation” from “non-governmental actors.”

“Faces are to be blurred from public viewing room footage to prevent all forms of retaliation against private citizens from any non-governmental actors. The Department of Justice already has access to raw footage from January 6, 2021,” Shah wrote.”

They went from knocking to walking in the blink of an eye. It’s as if they have blurry vision in the Speaker’s office. All they can see is the need to placate the Indicted Insult Comedian and to pander to all the malevolent MAGA Maggots out there. Zip it, Mike.

The good news is that DOJ already has copies of the video, so the editing and Johnson’s blurry babble won’t impact ongoing trials of the rioters or their leaders.

A question for MAGA Mike: If they didn’t do anything wrong, why do they need protecting? The Speaker should be grateful for Congressional immunity, but it doesn’t cover everything. Stay tuned.

Back to the momentous matter of nicknames. It makes me miss KMac because his nickname worked so well in post titles. Short and punchy titles are always better.

Phallic names are good accessories, as it were. With a last name like Johnson, it’s an unavoidable issue for the Accidental Speaker. Along the same lines, I don’t understand why anyone wants to be called Dick. Scratch that: Nixon was called Dick because he was one. Besides, in Tricky’s day people only mocked those with phallic names in private, not in pubic public.

I, too, have a phallic name, but I don’t sweat it: I do the nicknaming around here. It’s a pity that Johnson doesn’t have a double phallic name, Dick Johnson almost rises to the level of Peter O’Toole. FYI, during my time as the world’s worst Boy Scout my scoutmaster’s name was Dick Lust. I am not making this up.

Mike Johnson is dangerous because he looks like a small town tax lawyer. Never forget that MAGA Mike is a dick in dweeb drag.

The last word goes to Blur: