Tutorial

A quick tutorial for Democrats appearing on the Sunday Shows.
Listen up. Some of y’all clearly don’t understand how not to make asses out of yourselves on TV. You allow the interviewers to trap you with the results of push-polls, requests to denounce things, dithering, and apologizing for shit that isn’t your fault. But it’s okay. First Draft is here to help.
Come inside and learn as I assume the personae of several frequent Press the Meat punching bags to show how to answer leading and insulting questions from the likes of Tweety, Timmeh and others. Click “Read More” to find out how to be a sex machine with all the Democrats in less than 30 soundbites.

Tweety: Senator Biden, yesterday Howard Dean said that Republicans are a party of rich white Christian males and that no one else need apply? Did he go too far?
Biden: Let me tell you something, Chris. I love Howard Dean. Howard Dean drives the Republican party absolutely crazy, and I hope he keeps on doing it until the day he dies.
Tweety: But Senator, won’t such inflammatory rhetoric alienate the suburban swing voter centrist soccer security office park moms and dads someone like you needs to get elected president?
Biden: [slings a manly arm around Matthews] Look, Chris. This is a nation that was founded on the values of free speech and free expression, and I think the American people appreciate a man who speaks his mind honestly. I don’t think you alienate people by telling the truth, and Howard Dean told the truth: Republicans are a bunch of isolated, pasty, far-right nutcases. In this day and age it’s insulting to the American people to try to lead this nation with a party that doesn’t look like this nation.
As for me being president? Chris, before I’m a presidential candidate, I’m a Democrat, and I fully support the goals of this party, the fight we’re waging on behalf of the poorest and most underrepresented Americans. Howard Dean is fighting that fight as well, so if you’re looking for somebody who’ll come on your show and stab his friends in the back, well, you’ve booked the wrong guy.
Now do you have any booze in here, or what? It’s five o’clock somewhere, Chrissy, and I know you want to have a beer with me.


Russert: Nancy Pelosi, today a poll came out asking if Americans thought the Democrats had a clear agenda for America. 99 percent of registered voters said no. Do you think your party’s done a poor job of articulating its goals for this nation?
Pelosi: Tim, when’s the last time you did a show about the Democrats’ agenda for this nation?
Russert: …
Pelosi: I mean it, Tim. You people sit up here and you repeat ad nasueum the results of polls like this, which ask people to judge the agenda of the party that isn’t even in power, and then you act like it’s our fault the results of your polls are so skewed? After you repeat over and over that your pollsters think we have no agenda, what do you expect people to say? Are you smoking crack?
Russert: You’re not answering my question.
Pelosi: You’re damn right I’m not. It’s a stupid question. The people in charge of this country right now are Republicans, so let’s ask the American people right now: Are you happy with their agenda? Do you have a good job, enough money to pay your bills, great health insurance, no debt, reasonable education costs, good schools for your children? Can you even articulate what our foreign policy is right now? If you can, you’re doing better than the Republicans, because they’ve explained it to me seven times and I still don’t know why we haven’t caught bin Laden yet.
Russert: Just a … just a minute … hold on here …
Pelosi: And by the by, Tim, not that this means anything to anybody besides the sixteen insomniac poli-sci freaks watching us right now, but maybe we could do a better job articulating our agenda to your satisfaction if you had me on this show more often, or if you had more than one Democrat on for every six Republicans you talk to. Now can we talk about something real, like why it is that insurance companies feel free to gouge good doctors on malpractice rates in order to make up for their stupidly insuring one hack who cuts off the wrong leg?
Russert: [head explodes]


Paula Zahn: Senator Lieberman, you’ve been a strong critic of your own party in the past. Here on the east coast the sun just came up, so I’d like to know, senator, what have the Democrats done wrong today?
Lieberman: Paula, I know what I’ve done and said in the past. And I’d just like to hereby publicly renounce it all.
Zahn: Senator? I’m sorry, did you just say you wanted to renounce your past criticisms of your party?
Lieberman: I do, Paula, and let me tell you why. Fifty years ago, when I was young and stupid, I had sexual congress with a goat. I was experimenting, under the influence of some meth cut with brake fluid, and it only happened once. But it just so happens the man who owned the goat took exception. He also took photos, and somehow those photos found themselves in the hands of Karl Rove.
Zahn: … Senator, we have children watching this show today, so … um … Oh, God …
Lieberman: Mr. Rove threatened to expose my youthful indiscretion unless I volunteered to make out with the president at the 2005 State of the Union. I was weak and foolish and I feared for my reputation if those photos came out, so when the president puckered up, I leaned in and sucked his face. I’m not proud of it. It was only one of many despicable acts I committed in a desperate attempt to keep my fancy for farm animals quiet.
Zahn: Despicable acts like what?
Lieberman: [emotionally] I voted for the president’s war in Iraq, Paula, even though it was clear to anybody with a functioning brain cell that the WMD story was bullshit. And then, to make things worse, I went around giving speeches about how true patriots stood behind their president, and implied that critics of the administration were traitors. When asked to come on Fox News and talk, instead of talking about the failings of our opponents I talked about the failings of my own party, basking in the attention I got from those shriveled little freaks, so happy that they thought I was reasonable. Reasonable, can you believe that? These are the jackholes who were on the other side of the road when I was fighting for civil rights, these are the hood-wearing nutjobs who wanted people like me dead! And now I have to pretend I like to go to their parties? To be honest, at times I had a hard time believing people bought my act, but so many of them did that it began to torture my conscience. I was living a lie. [Composing himself] Thank you, Paula, for this opportunity. I feel a whole lot better having gotten this off my chest.
Zahn: Senator, if I can … oh, man … ask this, but what prompted you to come clean now? Were you able to, erm, get the photos back somehow?
Lieberman: [proudly] No, Paula, and I’m sure that Mr. Rove will now release them to the media. But in the end, I realized I’d rather be known as a goatfucker than as a friend of George W. Bush.


Bill O’Reilly: I’m here today with one of America’s most virulent America-haters, Illinois Senator Barack Obama. Senator Obama, even though you voted for Condoleezza Rice for Secretary of State, even though you vote for every centrist proposal that falls in your lap no matter who gets screwed by it, even though you have loudly and publicly deplored the tactics of those of your fellow Democrats who still have their balls fully attached, even though you seem to dislike the kind of passionate activism that would inspire your party to actually win an election now and again, I still find you to be a loathsome creature unworthy to be in my presence. You’re a Democrat, senator! Don’t you think you owe the American people an apology for that?
Obama: [motions to the camera] Mary Lou, sweetheart, remember what we talked about in the green room a moment ago?
O’Reilly: What the … what are you talking about? Answer my question, senator!
Mary Lou, Producer: [cuts O’Reilly’s mike]


Disclaimer. Parts of this are obviously tongue in cheek. I’m not suggesting Lieberman actually go on TV opposite Paula Zahn and admit to buggering livestock. For that kind of thing, you go with Katie Couric. A.