It Doesn’t Matter If You Like It

Oliver on the NSA poll.

I don’t know when the legality of things became based on what percentage of doofuses polled by some guys at a telemarketing firm said the things were okay. Are people seriously making this argument?

Because I think I could rally reasonable polling support for killing David Spade. I mean, if we’re gonna go there. How about rounding up everybody on the sexual predator list and shooting them in the head? I’ve been pondering that for quite some time as an effective means of controlling recidivism among pedophiles; maybe a poll would tell me if that’s okay with a majority of Americans because as long as a majority of 400 people thinks it’s all right, apparently the law kind of doesn’t apply anymore, so I might as well take advantage of it. About 400 people pop in on this site every few hours, so you guys tell me, is that okay?

What other laws should we break? Is bootlegging still illegal? That always sounded like fun to me. And you know what, a solid percentage of my neighborhood thinks our city parking restrictions are batshit, especially when it’s snowed so much we can’t see the signs anymore, so from now on, I’m not paying my parking tickets. Fuck ’em. My country tis of thee … I’m pretty sure I’ve got at least 252 people out there who’d agree with me, so it’s fine.

It’s what should be at the heart of every response from every wingnut, every scared-ass jackoff who’d rather have the government spy on him than be free. You do not get to decide what laws to obey and what laws to ignore. You don’t get to, I don’t get to, the president doesn’t get to, the congress doesn’t get to. “Because I wanna” isn’t a reason to anybody over the age of three, it isn’t a reason for you, for me, for the president. “Because I’m scared of Muslims” isn’t a reason either, even if it’s true.

A.