Here are “The 21 Things You Cannot Say to the President after a News Conference”:
1. Hey, we hear the Golf Channel is going to carry it next time. Well, actually, only the Golf Channel is going to carry it next time.
2. Don’t worry. We’ll get ’em next year.
3. Professor Gates called. He can’t find his house keys.
4. You want to take a mulligan on this one?
5. We did try to plant a question about Bo, but nobody would go for it.
6. Saying, “I don’t know all the facts . . . but the police acted stupidly” is a little like saying, “I don’t know if there are weapons of mass destruction . . . but let’s invade Iraq anyway.”
Because what you totally want to do in a cheap column about stuff Jay Leno passed on because it was oldsauce is make cracks about how getting thousands of Americans and tens of thousands of Iraqis dead is JUST LIKE pissing off a couple of racist fuckwads in Boston. It’s totally the same thing. I see the connection, don’t you?