Wanted: Athenae

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Wanted: Allison Hantschel, a.k.a. Athenae

Crime: Attempted Homicide

Details: Ms. Hantschel has repeatedly used the Internet to attempt to murder journalism. See the above screen shot for details. If you see Ms. Hantschel, consider her smart-alecky and dangerous. The very future of the Republic depends on stopping her murderous rampage.

p>No, seriously. Look at that shot. There’s what, one news item there? CNN basically wins the Stupid Olympics with this. In fact, they take all the medals. The only thing it’s missing is more tut-tutting about that ill-mannered Serena Williams. On their front page, they give space to asshole “pastor” Steven Anderson, who will fearlessly rush to any nearby microphone and proclaim that God hates Barack Obama. Which is kind of funny, really. I figured that, if God hated you, he’d KEEP YOU FROM BECOMING PRESIDENT.

What a total waste of space. Seriously, there are four links to Kanye West. By the way, who gives a fuck about what happens at the fucking MTV video awards? I wasn’t even aware that that bullshit still went on. Now that I know that fact, it leads to the following questions: When in the fuck did MTV become a stodgy, protocol-driven entity? Doesn’t this channel pride itself on being “edgy,” whatever the fuck that means? Way to keep that ass-kicking rebellious spirit alive, MTV. And, really, are people this bent out of shape about a breach of decorum at a goddamn cable TV awards show?

There are another four links to tell us that Patrick Swayze died, as if that guy’s deserving of a hagiography. I know some of you likedDirty Dancing orGhost, but let’s be honest–those are some pretty crappy films. At any rate, it’s hardly front-page news.

Other than the story about a military incursion in another country, one that we currently aren’t at war with, there’s no goddamn substantive news there. Look, if you wanna be the National Enquirer, be the National Enquirer. You wanna do news, do news. But don’t try both. First, you’re never gonna out-tabloid the tabloids, okay? Second, if you try, you don’t get to act like you’re a respectable institution. Pick one or the other.

Now, if I were to put on my content-analyst hat, what would I see?

Four puff pieces about a dead actor with a mediocre resume, two things about the Kennedy family that are not related to policy at all, some shit about Prince Harry, and six stories about Black people behaving badly.



What could possibly drive that coverage?

Honestly, I’m shocked that they didn’t include Serena Williams in their daily roundup of Black people who don’t know their places.

Now, before any of you tell me that I’m being “too PC” (which you wouldn’t say to my face, because I’d punch you in the throat for saying something stupid), think about it. Do we get this upset over white folks’ breaches of manners? There was a lot of talk about dumbass Joe Wilson, buthe called the President of the United States a liar on live national TV. What’s the probability that, of all the poorly-behaved white people out there, none of them would make headlines the same way a few Black people would?

Yeah, there’s no racism anymore. Keep believing that.

13 thoughts on “Wanted: Athenae

  1. If I could read one blog a day, and among my choices was a daily rant from First Draft, there would be no contest. None whatsoever. This line alone is worth the price of admission:
    which you wouldn’t say to my face, because I’d punch you in the throat for saying something stupid
    If there were a price of admission.

  2. Anybody got bail money? I feel like I may need some soon. 🙂
    ps. I liked Dirty Dancing, so there. *pffttht*

  3. yeah, Dirty Dancing taught me everything I know about summer resorts.
    you want Serena? front page of the Houston Chron today are both Swayze AND an article about where all da civility went (pictured – Serena, Kanye and Joe Wilson).

  4. Damn, there goes my post for today. I was gonna do an homage to Patrick, closing with “WOLVERINES!!!!!”
    FYYFF, Jude.
    BTW, I was told by several acquaintances last night that the “You lie!” thing is just a tempest in a teapot. There was nearly some throatpunching. Good thing I hadn’t had a beer yet at that point.

  5. It’s pretty sad, huh? Tabloid “journalism”. What’s really sad is I work for the CNN borg…I used to be proud of that.

  6. Scout, seriously. This is SPORTS we’re talking about here, what was she supposed to say? “Oh, gosh darn jellybeans!”

  7. Serena behaved like a spoiled brat.
    Kanye behaved like a spoiled brat.
    I liked “Ghost”.
    Little Joe Wilson is a spoiled brat.
    There’s your tabloid for the day.

  8. A,
    don’t forget that golf and tennis still carry some trappings of being a genteel game. She definitely did break protocol.
    The reason I am against the outburst is having seen too many little league games where both the parents and kids make the coaches and referees sorry that they even thought of being involved.

  9. I had a hard decision to make this morning while my thirty-something dentist and his fifty-something assistant doing the root canal on my back left bottom molar were talking about just how awful that Williams girl was (which was the topic after they’d exhausted the Kanye story and the undescended testicles of the South African runner). Would saying something to burst their bubble end up causing me more pain than I was already in for?
    Eventually, after various instruments and fingers were removed from my mouth, I managed to sneak the words “Ilie Nastase” — or something to that effect — out past the dental dam, followed quickly by “Macenroe” and “JImmy Conners”. The general consensus once I was again effectively gagged was that there was a lot more money in the sport now.
    Typing that stuff out now just sort of makes me realize even more that the people they were complaining about were all black.

  10. The “Bush shoe-thrower” is “unrepentant.”
    Jaysus, that’s gonna get the mouthbreathers riled…
    Hell, the security forces treated him like he’d attempted to assassinate the boy king when he did it, and he says he was tortured in prison, but, because he isn’t “repentant,” he’ll go on being vilified in the press here, and dogged by security forces there.
    Bringing democracy, eh? Phil Ochs was right. We are the cops of the world…

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