Imaginary Women

Anne Laurie on this Ross column:

Obviously, there were (are) many, many thousands of “good” adoptions, families where adults desperate to nuture formed seamless bonds with children who thrived in circumstances far better than they could otherwise achieve. But even at its best, adoption isnever a simple transfer between independent economic entities, a logically impeccable marketplace solution to the messy biological Fertility Gap. Of course, given the opinions expressed in his prior writings, Douthat would not consider the feelings of thebirth mothers to have any weight in this equation (don’t play if you can’t pay, Chunky Reese Witherspoon!).

And you know, maybe in imaginary-woman-world where Ross lives in futile hope of girls screwing him without birth control, all us infertile chicks are so completely round-the-bend baby-crazy we don’t care where the kid comes from, like just drop him on our doorstep in a basket and we won’t ask question one.

But in 20effing11, knowing all the sordid history of punitive maternity homes and creepy baby-stealing, I really resent the idea that it’d be totally okay with me if you just yoinked some mother’s kid away from her and maybe out there somewhere she was suffering because some jerk in a suit decided my married middle-class ass was better to raise her offspring because I could get the kid a crib from Pottery Barn.

(I couldn’t, or if I did it would be from Craigslist, but still, that’s the idea, anyway.)

Maybe there are long lines of white middle class married ladies who don’t care if their families are built on the pain of others, and would be thrilled to return to the days when girls were forced to give up their children for others to raise. Maybe there are hundreds of women who’d be happy as hell to take horrible advantage of another woman in order for them to have what they want. People are assholes, I mean, we can’t rule anything out. But Ross is just assuming that this is how it is for everybody, and if we’re just making assumptions, I’d rather go with the one that doesn’t make all infertile women out to be desperate and stupid and cruel.

But then, I don’t have a New York Times column, so what do I know?

A.

9 thoughts on “Imaginary Women

  1. Garbo says:

    Your first mistake was considering the feelings of the women at all. Ross smartly does not which makes his argument flawless. See? Easy.

  2. Jude says:

    Also, Douthat imagines that the pattern that held from about 1930-1970 was the only one that ever existed in humanity, and we must get back to it.
    I really wish these fucks would give up their obsessions with the 1950’s. I mean, half of the shit that they think happened then never was, and of the conditions that did exist, they were specific to the time and may–just may–NOT have been an improvement over the way things were done before or (especially) since.
    I really, really, really wish that that dopey bearded asshole could get pregnant. Since he has no ability to understand anything that happens to anyone else, it’s the only way he would ever learn.

  3. I really wish these fucks would give up their obsessions with the 1950’s.
    Yes but why should they? If you were a white, Christian, hetero upper class male, the 1950s were teh awesome. (Actually, I don’t think that’s true. There were a lot of dissatisfied white, Christian, hetero upper class males back then too …)

  4. Jude says:

    If you’re a white, Christian, hetero, upper-class male, every fucking era is teh awesome. Being rich, straight, white, and male (Christian is nice but not strictly required) has been the motherfucking shiznit in North America ever since those pasty fuckers showed up and started sneezing on the natives.

  5. whitewidow says:

    I really wish these fucks would give up their obsessions with the 1950’s.
    They can’t. One of the fascists’ main tools is the call for the return to and restoration of some mythical lost purity.

  6. whitewidow says:

    “I really wish these fucks would give up their obsessions with the 1950’s.”
    They can’t. One of the main tools of fascists is a call for the restoration of some mythical lost purity.
    I know anecdotes are not data, but FWIW, every woman I have known who has given up a child for adoption has been completely devastated by it, forever, even if they continue to believe it was the right (often only) choice at the time under their particular circumstances.

  7. evil is evil says:

    Surprised that the little twat did not suggest that the mothers of the children shouldn’t sell them in an open bid competition in an open market.
    That would fit in with his other nonsense, perfectly.
    “As an adolescent Douthat converted to Pentecostalism and then, with the rest of his family,[8] to Catholicism (Wikipedia)” which might have a lot to do with his gross lack of understanding how real humans’ lives can be effected by his ignorance.

  8. BlackSheep01 says:

    Athenae,
    there is a simple cure for this.
    Quit reading Douthat.
    It’ll improve your blood pressure, not to mention your outlook on life.

  9. wittman says:

    “…[E]very woman I have known who has given up a child for adoption has been completely devastated by it, forever, even if they continue to believe it was the right (often only) choice at the time under their particular circumstances.”
    As an adoptee who’s found her birthmother and doesn’t know who her birthfather is, I’ve done years of work as a ‘search angel,’ or one who helps members of the triad in their ‘quest’ for completion. I can say with some degree of certainty that bparents aren’t always true to the somewhat trite form. There are a lot of variations on the “eternally brokenhearted” theme, to be sure, but when children make first contact, the ‘types’ are often colored by extreme anger – especially among younger women, and indifference in older ones. The “eternally brokenhearted” was all I’d ever heard; in the 90s, when I was finally old enough to get documents from the agency that didn’t have white-out, that was the only story around. Birthmothers were overjoyed to reunite, adoptive parents were threatened-but-resigned, and adopted children (for we were always adoptive children, and never allowed to grow up) were greatful to their birthparents and resentful of the adoptive.
    We don’t offer children many alternatives to that story. Indifferent adoptees, the ones who don’t have a burning curiousity, the helpful adoptive parents, and the birth parents who never gave their progeny another thought – those are the parts of the ‘triad’ that we see more often than not, and it doesn’t prepare adoptive children for the ‘real world’.

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: