The screeds about “inalienable rights” and gun control have been enough to make my brain bleed lately. We have 27 amendments to the constitution, all of which tell us something about our rights. That doesn’t even count all the shit in the constitution itself. And yet, here we are. Again. Talking about the Second Amendment. Again.
There’s apparently no good time to talk about guns in our society. When people are complaining about Jared Loughner and his whack-job antics, they are accused of “politicizing a tragedy.” Unfortunately, we tend to have too many gun tragedies to ever have a socially acceptable point in time to talk about this stuff. However, on the rare occasion that we’re not dealing with a tragedy involving a gun and people try to talk about guns, they are told it’s not the right time. After all, nothing bad has happened recently with guns, so trying to limit them in some way will just rankle the NRA crowd. Someone get Joseph Heller on the phone…
Anyway, instead of turning this into a rambling screed of its own about guns (which I don’t understand the value of) or personal freedom (which I don’t think we pay enough attention to), here’s an attempt at peace in our time. Here’s a shit ton of stuff you can do that is “inalienable,” guaranteed by our founding fathers and that doesn’t involve a weapon that can be used to slay 6 people and injure a dozen more in a matter of seconds:
– Say a prayer for Gabrielle Giffords and ask that she recover for the sake of herself, her family and our country. Or, if you don’t believe in religion, don’t do anything. You’ve got that right as well.
– Hire a lawyer just because you can. You have the right to counsel. Talk about the weather, taxes or if the Brewers new pitching rotation will get them over the hump this year. Leave a couple C-notes on the nightstand and feel good about yourself.
– Refuse to paint the garage this weekend. Remind your significant other that slavery has been abolished. Then, go sleep in the garage for a week until your spouse forgives you.
– Roll up on a battalion of Marines, flip them all the bird and scream, “I don’t have to quarter you! I don’t have to quarter you!”
– If you are of a non-white race, go vote for something. If you are a woman, do that too. If you are a minority woman, vote twice. If you are in Chicago, vote multiple times after you’re dead.
– Pay your fucking income taxes. If you’re so excited about your right to bear arms, pony up for the check. The amendments can’t be a Chinese Buffet of rights.You can’t have any pudding until you eat your meat.
– Go have a drink. You can. It’s legal. If you’re 21. Or you’re not in Utah. (I only made up part of this.)
– Petition your government for the redress of grievances. I’ve already written my letter to the president asking that LeBron James have his ACLs removed in a mannercommensurate with the surgery scene in “Law Abiding Citizen.”
– Write a comment here and yell at me for this. It’s free speech. Or freedom of the press. Or some other freedom we tend to overlook when it doesn’t involve the extraction of a weapon from Charlton Heston’s cold dead hands…