Politically Correct Fruit


Word of warning to people who like to make professional sporting events more interactive: Know your fruit.

Philadelphia Flyers winger Wayne Simmonds, who is black, had a piece of fruit flung at him while participating in a game against the Red Wings.The exhibition, which was taking place in Ontario, has garnered a great deal of press coverage primarily because the fruit in question was a banana.

While people may be quick to jump to the conclusion that this is racism, this might be unfair to the idiot responsible. We have not heard from the flinger, so God alone knows if he was tossing it at Simmonds as a racial insult or because he ran out of other forms of animals, minerals and vegetables.

It could have been just a fruit of convenience.

When I used to cover crime in Madison, I caught a report in which a guy was walking with a couple female friends and a drunken lout made an inappropriate comment to one of the ladies. When the guy stepped in to say something, the whole thing got physical and he got the unholy shit kicked out of him. As the violence ensued, the attacker let loose with various vulgarities, including “faggot.” For this choice of verbiage, police were trying to charge him with a hate-crime enhancement.

I knew the guy who got beat up. He was a Level 24 poon hound. He spent more time between women’s legs than the Victoria’s Secret fall underwear collection. Still, the guy kicking his ass hit a trigger word and that made bad more than a bit worse.

As a matter of course, I’m leaning toward the racism when it comes to Simmonds’ situation, but I’d like to use the FD forum to suggest that idiots who feel the need to test out their throwing arms at sporting events pick a better fruit.

I humbly suggest the politically correct kiwi.

My rationale is as follows:

The size:It’s about the size of a lemon, making it convenient to carry and easy to hide as you attempt to enter the arena of your choice. In fact, if you’re wearing a big coat, have a decent sized purse or you still use a fanny pack, you can take five or six of these things, just in case you aren’t satisfied with your first throwing effort.

The hardness: Apples, oranges, lemons and pears are too hard. You hit someone with one of those from the upper-deck of a decent stadium or arena and you’re likely to cause serious injury. Peaches, nectarines and the like are too squishy, so when they hit, you’ve got to stop the game to clean the ice or scrape up the goo off the grass. Mangos, melons and grapefruits? You’re looking at rotator cuff surgery. Kiwis have a nice shell on them that protects them from shattering on impact, but are soft enough inside (if you get them in a fairly ripened state) to not do any major damage.

The color:The turd-like hue can convey your displeasure and people can still see it on TV. It can show up on grass or ice. Works for either way.

The PC factor: Bananas have that same “outer-shell, mushy-center” thing, but again, there’s that whole racism thing. Kiwis are brown and fuzzy on the outside, showing a softer size of people’s general crankiness. Inside, you’ve got black seeds and a white core, living together, intermingled in harmony. If aliens are discovered and start to dominate our games, you’ve got the green fruit built right in. As these things look like fuzzy testicle totes, the only people who should be insulted are people who look like ball sacks.

Sure you could pick any one of a dozen other fruits, but the kiwi seems perfect. It’s light, small and non-racially charged. That way, when you physically attack a player, embarrass yourself and get thrown in jail, you’ll only be arrested for being a moron and not a racist.

5 thoughts on “Politically Correct Fruit

  1. But what if the kiwi were flung at a New Zealander?
    Not to mention, I love kiwis. One thing I really miss from living in the deep south was being able to go to old kiwi plantations and pick the fruit ripened on the vine (especially as opposed to those unripe rocks they sell in grocery stores). Plus, as a diabetic, you can eat so much kiwi for the cost of getting just a smidgen of carbs.

  2. You might have to contend with the old name for kiwis (at least in the US): Chinese gooseberry. I’m sure nothing good could come of that.

  3. Plus, as a diabetic, you can eat so much kiwi for the cost of getting just a smidgen of carbs.
    Hell, I’m going to go buy the grocery stores’ stock now for my JV diabetic daughter. She loves kiwi.

  4. Idosynchronic, According to http://nutritiondata.self.com/ 1 medium without skin is 76 grams weight and provides 11 g total carb, 2 g fiber, and 7 g of the total are sugar. (so 9 g net carb). They don’t explain why I would want to remove the skin as that provides more bulking / fiber.
    (1 large is 91 g total weight, 13 g carb – 3 g fiber = 10 g net carb.)
    1 cup is 177 g weight which has 26 g carb including 5 g fiber.
    And I’d say 2 kiwis is a rather nice feast even at my 200 lbs weight.

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