Shorter John Kerry: Who You Callin’ A Bitch?


Ask Osama bin Laden is he is better off now than he was four years ago.


You know it isn’t — it isn’t fair. It isn’t fair to say that Mitt Romney doesn’t have a position on Afghanistan. He has every position.


He — he was against — he was against setting a date for withdrawal. Then he said it was right. And then he left the impression that maybe it was wrong to leave this soon. He said it was tragic to leave Iraq. And then he said it was fine. He said we should have intervened in Libya sooner. Then he ran down a hallway to run away from the reporters who were asking questions. Then he said, the intervention was too aggressive. And then he said the world was a better place because the intervention succeeded. Talk about being for it, before you were against it.

(APPLAUSE) Mr. Romney — Mr. Romney —Mr. Romney, here’s a little advice; before you debate Barack Obama on foreign policy, you’d better finish the debate with yourself.


Now — President Mitt Romney — President Mitt Romney, three very hypothetical words that mystified and alienated our allies this summer. For Mitt Romney an overseas trip was what you call it when you trip all over yourself overseas.


You know, it wasn’t — it wasn’t a goodwill mission. It was a blooper reel.


Folks, Sara Palin said she could see Russia from Alaska. Mitt — Mitt Romney talks like he’s only seen Russia by watching Rocky IV.

At which point the watching party I was at lost its goddamn collective mind.

People are always surprised whenever I tell them my one true political love is John Kerry. I mean, John Kerry? He’s boring. He lost. And conventional wisdom is that he lost because he was boring and elite and lacked backbone and what have you, he windsurfed and shit. He’s French.

Well, call me a Frog because hot damn, last night he walked out onto the stage and told Mitt Romney his other ride was Mitt’s mom and next time if Romney doesn’t shape up he might not use the saddle.

And immediately the commentary was WHERE WAS THIS GUY FOUR YEARS AGO, because certainly our noble political punditry couldn’t possibly have fallen all over itself to make Kerry unsuitable despite the hockey-playing, liberal-lion-2, war-hero story he had to offer them. Surely they couldn’t have missed something.


“Did the training wheels fall off?” –-after being told by reporters that President Bush took a tumble during a bike ride

“Here I am in the state of New Mexico. George Bush is still in the state of denial. New Mexico has five electoral votes. The state of denial has none. I like my chances.”

“InvadingIraq in response to 9/11 would be like Franklin Roosevelt invading Mexico in response to Pearl Harbor.”

“Being lectured by the president on fiscal responsibility is a little bit like Tony Soprano talking to me about law and order in this country.”

“Cheney can claim Bush as a dependent.” –-item #3 on Kerry’s“Top 10” list of Bush tax proposals, as read on the “Late Show With David Letterman”

“I wanted to haveJohn Edwards stand.Dick Cheney wanted to sit. We compromised and now George Bush is gonna sit on Dick Cheney’s lap.” –- discussing negotiations over the vice presidential debate

(And before anybody starts in with me about Edwards, ask yourself if the worst thing he has ever done is still nicer than the nicest thing Dick Cheney has ever done. As long as he wasn’t Vice President of Being Responsible With One’s Penis, he probably could have muddled through.)

In fact, watching Kerry actually made me remember my biggest disappointment with Obama, his truly dismal record on civil liberties. That was what Kerry ran on in 2004, and the biggest wrong he would have righted if we could have pulled our heads out of our asses and elected him. It was why, all kidding about OMG WHATTA BABE aside, I fell in love with him: He went to war and came home and at the age of 27 walked into the halls of Congress and said stop this, stop this now before it gets any worse.

We all should have listened then, and again in 2004. Maybe we’ll listen now.


4 thoughts on “Shorter John Kerry: Who You Callin’ A Bitch?

  1. RE: next to last paragraph. As obvious as the shadows of Rove-Cheney are in this years RNC – both in the convention and in the entire process of delegate selection and molding the platform up to now (even the Tea Baggers and Freepers have noticed it and started calling it the repub elite), how strange that they weren’t held up as examples in Tampa.

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