I Wanna Kill Bad Guys

Hey, you nitwits, the recruiting office is over there.

No. 20 looks like Reagan to me, though all the heat was about the Obama-looking target. As for No. 11, I’m not sure what Louis CK did to these people but this seems like something of an overreaction.

Okay, you want to shoot zombies, those are hard to find in the wild, but this is the one that pisses me off:


This is sort of like those guys that hunt animals in basically cages, because they want to feel like the world’s biggest swinging dick without actually doing anything remotely dangerous (or BORING, which deer-hunting is, if you subscribe to the theory that “hunting” means sitting in a tree over a salt lick with a 24-pack of Bud Light waiting for Bambi to wander by).

You wanted a shot at Osama bin Laden? Should have done a zillion push-ups a day and held your breath for two hours and whatever the hell else you have to do to get into the Navy SEALs. You want to go kill dictators, take a crack at some baddie who’s oppressing his people in Africa or some shit? Blackwater is hiring and given the things their people get up to, they ain’t real picky. Think taking potshots at Hitler of the Week is the best thing in the world?


Of course, you have to get your ass out of the lounge chair and use your gun more than once every six weeks when you’re showing off. You have to train, and work, and maybe you’re not suited for the infantry given your strenuous workout routine of shoving Cheetos in your facehole. Maybe you’re suited for pushing pencils in an office, just like you do now, and you’ll spend your whole tour of duty not taking out Idi Amin but peeling potatoes in some shithole town in Kentucky, because if you really were such a death-dealing badass you’d be that already.



10 thoughts on “I Wanna Kill Bad Guys

  1. The “Man holding a child hostage” is very creepy: that’s one of the sexiest “children” I’ve ever seen. How old is that girl supposed to be?

  2. Well said.
    David Cross made a similar observation about the “9/11 remix” of Lee Greenwood’s jingoistic anthem God Bless the USA, specifically the line, And I’ll surely stand up next to you, and defend her still today…!

    Really? Well, here’s your second chance, ***hole. F***in’ pick up a gun and hop to it. Plane leaves from over there. Get the f**k over there, **hole. Put your money where your mouth is, you f***in’ hypocrite. What? I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you with all the flags flapping in my ears. What, what’s that? Oh, you got another gig at Branson. Okay, I’m sorry.

  3. Back when I was in college, after having pulled a six-year active duty sting, and prior to the Iraq War, I would routinely shame the ign’ant-ass ‘necks who were getting war boners regardig their not being in line at the USMC recruitment office. I knew the SSG there, and would gladly have driven those fucks over there and put in good words for them.
    Strangely enough, no one ever took me up on my offer.
    One day, one of these shitheels asked me why I didn’t go sign up. So I showed him my dolphins, noted that I wasn’t the one cheerleading for other people to go to war, and kindly told him to shut his stupid pie hole.

  4. Given Blackwater’s record, you’re likely as not to be assigned to protecting some dictator than hunting him down.

  5. How is it that Arafat rates as #1, and Hitler only as #12 on the hit parade?
    Oh, yeah, that’s right, the NRAtards just LUUURVE them some HITLAR!

  6. When I first saw the topic link on Crooks & Liars, I thought they were talking about Mr. Poopy-pants draft dodger who is always mouthing off about his being such a bad ass.
    BTW- I was drafted for Vietnam

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