SUPER FAST ALERT WEATHER DOPPLER 6000

Christ, I hate weather stories. Just tell me if it’s going to snow or not. Stop jerking yourselves off.

I had a friend move here from overseas and he watched the local news one night, a MAJOR STORM WATCH ULTRA FAST WEATHER ALERT type of thing, and asked me, “Doesn’t anyone get killed in this city? Why is there a story about the wind blowing down a sign?”

A.

4 thoughts on “SUPER FAST ALERT WEATHER DOPPLER 6000

  1. idiosynchronic says:

    And you live in, like, civilization. Just imagine what the hayshakers here in Iowa get as news.

  2. joel hanes says:

    If you’re an actual hayshaker, and maybe planning today to work outdoors at the other end of your land, a timely and accurate weather report is valuable reportage, and much appreciated.

  3. maplestreet says:

    It seems to me that the naming of winter storms (analogous to naming tropical storms) has increased the perception of the damage of these storms akin to Faux News with a gigantic ALERT…ALERT…ALERT… always scrolling across the screen – even when the news item is that someone is giving a speech.
    Before storms were named, the news would be a winter system was moving across the area and the next 24 hours would bring you 4 inches of snow. With named storms, we get coverage from coast to coast with simulated radar of how the storm will hit each metropolitan area.
    Add into this that the start of this month was Winter Storm TITAN. With a name like that, you just knew that Florida was gonna get 20 feet of snow.

  4. joel hanes says:

    In point of fact, my paternal grandfather nearly died for lack of a good weather report.
    Old Joel F. was duck hunting, alone, from a punkiseed rowboat in the bullrushes off the pumphouse on the north shore of Clear Lake IA when The Great Armistice Day Blizzard arrived without warning. Freezing rain became sleet with high wind — he managed to pick up his rig and get to shore (getting soaked through in the process) — but it was a deperate half hour before he succeeded in getting into his car. The locks were full of water, now frozen, and glazed over with a heavy layer of frozen rain — he had to use the warmth of his hand on the lock, and warm the key over and over in his mouth, a slow business, and all the while the temperature plummeted and the wind and snow went to whiteout, and he dancing and shivering in wet clothes next to the damned car.
    Finally the lock turned, and glory! the car started, so he survived.
    Many other didn’t.

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