I’m writing hurt today. That’s why Shapiro took the prime morning spot with his Jewish Lasers post. It’s good to have him aboard: I’m just an honorary member of the tribe, he’s the real deal. Hopefully, it will lead to more Yiddish usage here at First Draft. Thus Spake Shecky.

There’s turmoil at Mar-a-Elba as Pennywise shuffles his legal team like a deck of marked cards. His South Carolina lawyers seem to care about their reputations and future livelihoods. That’s why they quit: he wanted them to argue election fraud in his senate trial, which amounts to an affirmative defense of the Dipshit Uprising. They were unwilling to face disbarment or worse in order to list lawyer to the former president* on their resumes and Linked-In profiles.

The Impeached Insult Comedian’s new lawyers are beauts, I believe that’s the technical term. I can’t find my Black’s Law Dictionary. It must be under a pile of books somewhere. I know, I know, I could look online but I have to feed the running joke beast about my untidy home office.

Back to the new shysters. The headline on a WaPo piece says it all:

One of Trump’s new lawyers declined to charge Bill Cosby. The other maintains Jeffrey Epstein was murdered.

It’s good to see that the Kaiser of Chaos hasn’t lost his touch when it comes to hiring weird mouthpieces. I’m waiting for their first press conference. It’s a pity it won’t be at Four Seasons Landscaping. It wouldn’t surprise me if Rudy and Sydney Powell showed up and heckled the new hires. I can dream, can’t I?

Senate Republicans are prepared for a constitutional argument as to whether a former Oval One can be tried. The good news is that was voted down in a procedural move attempted by Aqua Buddha. The bad news is that 45 senators voted to bury their heads in the sand and pretend the Capitol wasn’t sacked by Trumper barbarians.

A better defense would be that Pennywise’s speech did not directly incite the riot. It’s unclear if Trump will go along with it. He seems to want to go big and justify the whole mishigas. In any other courtroom in the land, that would lead to a conviction, but this is a political, not a legal proceeding. After briefly showing some gumption right after the riot, there’s been a sycophancy relapse among the manly he-men of the Republican caucus.

What Pennywise really needs is a mob lawyer who’s willing to stand up on his hind legs and lie like a rug for him. (Apologies for the double cliche, I told ya I was writing hurt.) Once again, he needs his Roy Cohn but will have to settle for Roger Stone’s lawyer and the bozo who sued a Cosby victim after he lost his race for DA in Montgomery County Pennsylvania. I am not making this up.

The Kaiser of Chaos will once again be poorly defended but it doesn’t matter: Senate GOPers are his sheeple. The spell remains unbroken even after an insurrection, which left five people dead. All they care about is their base who are, for some mysterious reason, okay with the storming of the Capitol.

Oy just oy.

The last word goes to Lou Reed with a legal term that does not apply in this case. I just felt like using it: