Nuclear fearmongering, and a modest proposal

I’ve seen a lot of hysterical gobspatter over the Iran Nuclear Treaty.

ZOMGtheIraniansAreGoingToBeIncludedInMonitoringOneOfTheSites!!!

You know what?

GIVE the Iranians some of OUR nukes.

Go ahead. They’ll come to the same realization that every nuclear power has – that the things are fucking worthless.

Why?

You can’t use them.

They’re hideously expensive tinkertoys that serve no offensive military purpose, other than to try to keep someone (like Israel in this case) from nuking YOU.

I’m about as worried about Iran launching an ICBM they don’t have (with a nuclear warhead they don’t have on it) at us as I am of a plane crashing on my house.

Actually, less, as there is a one-in-fifty-million chance of the plane crash.

So – let’s say Iran does have nuclear weapons. Weapons they don’t dare launch because the retaliatory strike will make a crater where Tehran used to be, before their missile even lands. See? You can’t USE the damned things.

But –but – what about nuclear terrorism?

What if Iran slips some of those nuclear weapons they don’t have to a terrorist group?

Allow me to introduce you to a term : “Nuclear forensics”.

What does it mean?

It means that there is NO SUCH THING as an anonymous/untraceable nuclear device. Every fission product (and byproduct) has a fingerprint that is unique, and shows EXACTLY where it was mined.

If the nuclear device the terrorists don’t have was exploded, and the forensics results pointed to Iran – well – see above (Tehran crater).

Even if Iran did have a nuclear device, the LAST thing they would do is to give it to someone who would be stupid enough to use it.

So – let’s give them some of OUR nukes. They need something non-productive to spend their money on maintaining and guarding.