What I Meant To Say Was…

A Tour Guide On A Bus
Not me, but an amazing simulation of me.

In real life outside the world of internet punditry, my profession is that of a tour guide. I take people from all over the world on tours of any and all of the sights around Northern California, from as far south as Monterey up to the Napa-Sonoma wine country. The wife (Cruella) also is a tour guide. She’s the one who got me into the profession for which I am forever grateful. I love doing it.

After all how many professions can say the job is to pick up strangers at elegant hotels and show them a good time? OK, yeah, there is that other one as well. My job doesn’t pay nearly as well as the other one but I do get to keep my clothes on for which my guests are forever grateful.

I recently took a group of Texans for a tour to some of the Napa wineries. Along the way we passed by the notoriously expensive ($350 per person without wine for a pre-fixe tasting menu) restaurant The French Laundry. That particular restaurant has been on the minds (and thus on the tongues) of conservative media lately as Gavin Newsom had a misstep early in the pandemic of being photographed having dinner there right after he enacted strict COVID restrictions on all restaurants. Mind you, The French Laundry was adhering to all those restrictions when the picture was taken. Also the picture had been cropped to make it appear he was dining indoors when in fact that room is open on two sides. Nevertheless, bad optics and it was a rallying cry used in the catastrophically lopsided recall election that kept Newsom in office and may have destroyed the Repugnicant Party here in the Golden State.

Now I bring this up because as we drove past, the gentleman seated in the front seat of the bus snickered “Bet Nancy Pelosi eats there”. We’ll forget for a moment his mixing up of liberal California Democrats. My response was a simple “to be honest, I wouldn’t know” and a quick moving on to other subjects. I reserve my liberal snarck for my dear readers.

But here’s what I meant to say:

I’m sure Nancy Pelosi has eaten there, but I think you’re referring to Gavin Newsom and yes I know for certain he has eaten there because we have photographic proof. You know who else has eaten there? Tucker Carlson. I don’t have photographic proof of that, but his screeds against Newsom’s dinner clearly indicate that he has a deep understanding and familiarity with the menu that can only have come from spending some time supping there. After all he grew up in California, a scion of wealth from the Swanson Frozen Food fortune that thinks $350 a pop for dinner is just their version of a TV Dinner.

But let’s move on. Please explain to me why conservatives have this unabating hatred for Nancy Pelosi. This is not the first time I’ve had someone from outside California literally spit her name at me. What has she done that has you so mad at her? As Speaker of the House she stewarded through the legislation that saved the American economy in 2009 after your boy George Bush went to sleep and let the greedy bastards in the financial markets do everything they could to tank it. Then she went on to get Obamacare passed. Now I know you have a kneejerk negative reaction to Obamacare but can you imagine what the economy would look like today if it weren’t in place when COVID hit? You think there are homeless now, imagine what it would be when 600,000 families who just lost mom or dad got the bill for the attempts to keep their loved one alive one day longer. There would be rioting in the streets, but the rioting would be over who gets to sleep under which store’s canopy.

Ah but your taxes would be higher. Except your taxes wouldn’t be higher. And your boss still pays less than you do even though he makes somewhere upwards of one hundred times what you make. And corporations large and small pay little if any taxes, sheltered by arcane tax rules instituted by Repugnicants or literally sheltered in off shore bank accounts. See Nancy and Joe (remember him, he’s the President) want to change that and make it so YOU, yes YOU pay less taxes and the richest people and corporations will pay more. Seems only fair to me.

She also has this idea that people who lie about election fraud, goading their minions to riot and wreck havoc on our most sacred halls of democracy, should be held responsible for the damage they have wrought on the body politic. Why are you against that? Do you think the 2020 election wasn’t free and fair? Wow, you really are living under a rock, aren’t you?

But let’s get down to brass tacks. What you really don’t like about Nancy Pelosi is that she is a she. How dare an uppity woman of all things be in a position of power in this country that Jesus H. Christ on a crisp helped write the constitution for. Women ought to know their place and we know just how to handle women who think for themselves and who believe that their own bodies don’t belong to anyone other than themselves. I mean let’s face it, that’s what this is all about. You like your Repugnicant governor in Texas because he’s showing all those fem-Nazis they can’t be out there having consensual sex that they enjoy having and then deciding on THEIR OWN if they want to let that pea sized metabolic conglomeration of cells develop any further within the confines of their body. You believe that laws should be enacted to prevent anyone from having an abortion unless of course it’s your daughter who accidently got impregnated by god only knows who and then you can whisk her off to, um, California where abortion will remain forever legal.

So once again I ask you, what is it you have against Nancy Pelosi? All I see is a woman who is trying her best to keep Americans safe from the excesses of people far richer than yourself. The things she advocates for are in the interest of not just the less well off among us, but even the better off among us. In other words, yourself.

That is what I would have liked to say. But I’m a professional and I didn’t say it.

So it goes.

Shapiro Out

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